Dear Tootsie,
Now that I.S. is over, my owner never visits me any more. What can I do to overcome exhausting loneliness?
ó I.S. Carrel 277
Dear I.S. Carrel 277,
A good makeover will help you feel new and exciting. Look for decorative flair, such as the latest Dinosaur Comic or a motivational poster with a cute cat on it, and maybe stock your shelves with cookies or other snacks. All of these will surely turn a few heads and give you a few visitors besides your owner. Failing that, lock up and hide away a few library books. When overdue fines go through the roof, your owner will inevitably come crawling back. Make sure you look cozy when that happens!
All the best,
Tootsie
Dear Tootsie,
First time writer, long time fan. I’m writing because Iím a graduating senior, and there is one thing I still have to do before I leave: woo the heart of a certain female. My infatuation started when I admired from afar as she artfully ate applesauce across from me in our FYS. Ever since then, my heart melts whenever I see her. Every day I daydream of running away with her and forming a punk band for children. Soon, Iíll have loved her for four years, and my heart is ready to burst. The only problem is that she has never once noticed me. With five weeks left on this campus, I need something really special to win her heart. Any ideas?
ó Sexually Frustrated
Dear Sexually Frustrated,
This is surely an uphill battle; everyone who knows this girl loves her, and everyone who doesnít know her admires her from afar. Itís perfectly understandable that you are so in love with her.† Even I can figure out who you speak of
My recommendation is to get her roommate to let you into her room, and wait for her naked on her bed. I think this will work.
Good luck,
Tootsie
Dear Tootsie,
As I partook in one of my half-hourly smoke breaks, I realized a horrible thought: my favorite college students are graduating soon. Is there any hope of me finding joy in life once Jonah Comstock í10, Grace Hansen í10† and Chalkey Horenstein í10 leave this school?
Sincerely,
Lonely Larry S.
Dear Lonely Larry,
There is no such hope. The only reasonable thing to do is fail Grace so she needs to stay another year.
All the best,
Tootsie
Dear Tootsie
I think the squirrels are up to something. Theyíve always been bold, but I swear they were following me everywhere today. I could see them in my peripheral vision, but every time I turned around, theyíd scatter. What could they be plotting, and what should I do?
ó Utterly terrified
Dear Utterly Terrified
Arm yourself and get inside. Warn your friends, bar the doors and windows, and make sure all the vents are tightly screwed into place. Judgment is nigh, and survival is your only priority.
Love, Tootsie
And thatís how this Tootsie Rolls!
Tootsie may or may not be a cross country runner and the Managing Editor for the Vice (the same one who just fired Marten) If you need further advice, you might be able to find him.
This story was run as part of The Wooster Vice, an annual April Fools publication.† It is a work of satire.