From the day we learn to ride a bike, we are taught to wear a helmet. The statistics are staggering ó 50 percent of children are hospitalized for bicycling, in-line skating and skateboarding and diagnosed with a brain injury. Head injuries are fatal, yet we can exponentially decrease our chances of a head injury every time we wear a helmet on a bicycle, skateboard or motorcycle. Yet, these safety precautions are completely ignored by the president of the College. Furthermore, not only is he taking a risk every time he steps on his moped without wearing his helmet ó he is setting a poor example for the entire campus.
When President Grant Cornwell arrived on campus in the fall of 2007, he was the big man on campus ó literally. He was suave, tall, and had so many ideas for the future of the College. He had more answers than Google. Cornwell had everything ó even a higher Q rating than George Clooney. As president, Cornwell was the picture of both substance and style for two reasons. He was a master fundraising strategist ó and he drove a moped.
Cornwellís style though, comes at a price. When Cornwell is zipping around campus on a moped, his head is as bare as the plot in ìYouíve Got Mail.” Cornwell refuses to wear a helmet, and this poses numerous problems. For one, any uneven Wooster brick that Cornwellís moped hits will send our fair leader careening off† into the distance ó injuring a handsome and sophisticated head that the College is currently paying $373,880 per year. Talk about a bad investment by the Board of Trustees ó especially ironic at a school with such a powerhouse economics department.
Perhaps Cornwell doesnít want to sacrifice his debonair image with a dorky plastic hat. Who does he think he is by not wearing a helmet ó Ben Roethlisberger? Whatever the reason, his logic is flawed ó surprising for a guy whose academic background is supposedly in philosophy.
Helmets can reduce the risk of head injuries by more than 35 percent. Cornwell, however, continues to ride around on his moped using less protection than Jamie Lynn Spears. This guy can somehow figure how to fund a $30 million renovation of the PEC in one of the worst recessions in recent memory, yet he doesnít know to wear a helmet. Can we get this guy on ìAre You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?”
In other instances, it wouldnít matter. We donít need to worry about those Harley-Davidson riders on the interstate whose biceps are so covered in tattoos that their arms look like Michelangeloís Sistine Chapel. Itís safe to say their brains are functioning so poorly that requiring them to wear a helmet is like requiring Stevie Wonder to get a stronger eye-glass prescription.
Cornwell, however, is not some biker dude who just turned left out of the trailer park. He is the president of one of the best liberal arts schools in the country. There isnít a tough question this guy doesnít answer head on ó or at least sidestep artfully. This guy can critically evaluate Jean Paul Sartreís ìNausea,” but he doesnít follow a rule that most children learned in second grade? How can his philosophy I.S. advisees take him seriously?
In Cornwellís defense, his predecessor R. Stanton Hales didnít ever wear a helmet either. Then again, badminton players donít really need helmets.
If the past is any indication, Cornwell has no plans to change his hard-headed ways. As it is, we are left with a president with such fundraising prowess he could revive the entire city of Cleveland in three semesters, yet is unable to follow a rule his mother instructed to him when he was seven.
Although average-sized, Andrew Vogel† has a Napoleon complex. He also enjoys making pop culture references to get his point across and thinks ìWell thatís fair.”
This story was run as part of The Wooster Vice, an annual April Fools publication.† It is a work of satire.