In the spirit of recent outreach movements on campus, Peace By Peace will be sponsoring a ìHipster Awareness Week,” beginning Monday, April 5. This event was partly inspired by the recent onslaught of Hipster-on-Hipster violence, Hipster health concerns, as well as a total lack of College community understanding of these cardigan-clad constituents.
The recent incidents of hipster conflict came to a head last Tuesday when an assault occurred on the residential quad. Both parties involved left relatively unscathed, though numerous scarves were torn in the scuffle and a pair of Ray Bans were broken.
ìIt appears that one hipster asserted that another had been to a Nickelback concert. The offended party then claimed that the other didnít even know who Wes Anderson was. It eventually seems to have disolved into an argument over who liked Vampire Weekend first,” said a security officer. Attempted strangulation by H&M scarf is said to have occurred.
This event comes in the wake of months of scathing glares between hipster posses, increasing competitions over headphone quality and an all-out brawl over flannel at the Wooster Goodwill.
ìAt some point, we really have to ask ourselves, ëwhen will [it] stop?í How far are people willing to go? And how far can they, in pants that tight?” said a representative from Peace By Peace.
ìPeople donít understand the struggles these hipsters go through. The recent incidents can† really be traced back to a number of different factors,” another representative continued.
One of these factors seems to be fashion. A recent study has reported that the increasing tightness of the ìskinny jeans” commonly worn by hipsters is actually cutting off blood flow to their lower extremities. According to Stanford University, the continued wearing of these pants could lead to ìrestless leg syndrome, fibromyalgia, shingles and, most commonly, the Black Death.” In addition to these concerns, physicians also cite the use of ìheavy, preferably vintage” messenger bags as cause to a number of back problems, including a London hipsterís recent sprouting of a third shoulder blade.
Another student, and former hipster who chose to withold her name, related a personal health scare.
ìThey told me I was being diagnosed with chronic irony. My friends brought me in after they saw me wearing an absitinence-only t-shirt while wearing a fanny pack, loafers, and reading† Jodi Picoult. Thereís no cure,” she said.
These reports have been deemed inconclusive, however, by the leader of an guerilla Hipster organization that chose to remain anonymous.
ìThis is exactly the same kind of baseless propaganda they tried to sell to ravers back in the ë90s when they said parachute pants would cause dementia. I wasnít buying it then, and Iím not buying it now. Iíll tell you what I am buying ó gladiator sandals. Those are so in for spring.”
This speakerís choice to remain anonymous was copied by many members of the hipster community, who either asked to remain nameless or acted incredulous and sarcastically amused when identified as hipsters. Sources say this can be linked back to the belief within the community that a hipster can never admit to being a hipster, and must simply act mildly uninterested and judgmental in the face of such accusations.
Regardless of their apparent identity crisis, Peace By Peace hopes that the hipsters will come in largely apathetic droves to the ìAwareness Weekís” events, which includes a number of seminars, screenings and craft activities.
ìHipsters can be found in a number of booming metropolitan areas ó New York City, Chicago and Wooster,” said the president of Peace By Peace. ìThey are as much a part of this community as any Bro, and deserve to be treated as such. We hope this weekís events will promote understanding and awareness between students, regardless of their affinity for flannel or disdain for the federal government.”
The weekís events will kick off with Mondayís Animal Band fest, where students will only be able to listen to very-hip bands who take cues from zoology, like Grizzly Bear, Wolf Parade, Frog Eyes and Bowerbirds. Tuesdayís events will include techniques for avoiding carpal tunnel from excessive music and fashion blogging, while Wednesday includes a presentation by Rolling Stone editor Jenny Eliscu entitled ìIs Animal Collective Really that Good?”, ìThe History of Hip: Recycling the Same Trends Over and Over,” and ìWant to Be an Indie Chick? Get Bangs!” On Thursday, a discussion will be held regarding which bands have sold out, an illegal downloading tutorial, and a penny drive for those hipsters in third world countries who canít afford scarves. Friday in Scheide, a presentation will be held by Chuck Klosterman ìThe Voice of Our Generation: Dave Eggers or Thom Yorke?” A complimentary reception of PBRs and cigarettes will be held afterwards. The week will conclude with a concert on the quad by a band that is so hip, no oneís even heard of them yet.
This story was run as part of The Wooster Vice, an annual April Fools publication.† It is a work of satire.