On January 21, the Supreme Court made a landmark civil rights decision, finally taking a step towards giving a much-oppressed and misused group in our nation their basic human rights.† This group, who have been previously treated as second-class citizens, have been granted personhood under the law. I am speaking of course of our poor, downtrodden corporations.
Think hard about the last time you had a political conversation about corporations. You probably said some pretty hurtful things.† Movies like Michael Mooreís ìCapitalism: A Love Story” and epithets like ìfat cats” and ìWall Street pigs” are cruel, dehumanizing names and it is despicable that we, as Americans, allow our own to be treated in this way.
To take another example, a lot of liberals are extremely happy about this healthcare bill, and I agree that it helps a lot of people. But who does it hurt? Thatís right, the poor, defenseless corporations. Health insurance companies are losing business and revenue. Other corporations are being forced to give their own hard-earned money to sick employees in greater and greater amounts. If this trend keeps up, they wonít even have a few hundred thousand dollars left to line the pockets of their C.E.O.ís.
If we wish to call ourselves a liberal democracy, we have to start standing up for all people, regardless of race, creed, religion, sexual orientation, or incorporated status. Because corporations are people, too.† And discriminating against them, insulting them merely because they are wealthy, because maybe their executives have a little extra weight, or because they ìcontrol the government” is still discrimination, and itís still wrong.† The Bible says ìJudge not lest ye be judged,” yet we continue to judge our corporate friends and deny them their full rights under the law.
Look at Wal-Mart. If Wal-Mart werenít a corporation, if it were your next-door neighbor or your best friend, youíd love old Wally. The way he helps you get every thing you need at such low prices, the way he gives Grandma and Grandpa something to occupy their time, the way he pays for life insurance for the folks that help him out (and who could begrudge him that the policies happen to be in his name?). Youíd probably name a child after good old Wally.† But just because Wal-Mart is a corporation, all those things become evil. Well that, my friends, is racism.
We stand at a crossroads in this country with our treatment of corporations. We can return to the dark ages and strike down corporate rights one by one, or we can take a stand for equality and justice and treat corporations how they deserve to be treated.† Not just first-amendment protection for corporate speech, but making corporations eligible for social security, sending their kids to good schools, and even, yes, corporate suffrage. Because at the moment, corporations are victim to taxation without representation. I mean, sure, they have lobbyists who can try to sway the legislature, but as second-class citizens without a vote, what chance do they have?† When corporations have the vote, theyíll be able to make sure corporate interests are no longer ignored, but can drive American policy. And one day, we can only hope, we can only dare to dream, we might see the mark of true equality: a corporate president. God Bless America.
Jonah Comstock has a big heart and always sticks up for the little man. You can contact him at JComstock10@wooster.edu. If youíd like to join him on his daily pilgrimage to Wal-Mart.
This story was run as part of The Wooster Vice, an annual April Fools publication.† It is a work of satire.