The incoming first-year class of 2014 has a very special treat in store for them when they arrive on campus this coming August. In an effort to increase overall dorm satisfaction, the administration has enforced, for the first time ever, a sorting hat ceremony to take place one week before classes officially begin.
After receiving a number of complaints over the past semester from the class of 2013 regarding their disappointment and frustration with their first-year dorms, Grant Cornwell along with Dean Holmes decided to take action. ìI remember one girl came in my office hysterically crying, whining about how she felt she didnít fit in living in Bornheutter. She much rather saw herself as a resident of Compton,” Cornwell recalls, ìIt was heartbreaking and I knew at that moment, something, anything, had to be done.”
Although it wasnít easy at first to convince other members of the administration to make these changes for next yearís class, Cornwell and Holmes are quite optimistic. ìWeíre simply leaving the decision up to the sorting hat. And I have no doubts the hat wonít sort students properly. I really canít foresee anything going wrong,” Holmes wrote in an official letter sent from the administration to all the parents of the incoming freshmen class.
By mid-June, all students from the class of 2014 will receive a pamphlet outlining the four freshman dorms. The information will include a brief history of each dorm, the official dorm colors, who the head professor of each dorm is, the dormís mascot, the dormís patron and of course, the ghost that resides in each dorm. Although each dorm usually assembles similar types of students, Cornwell doesnít want to give false hope for the students over the summer. ìIíd rather not provide a wealth of background about each dorm,” Cornwell said, ìbecause what if a student researches Douglass Hall and then feels he or she is fit to live there, but, come August, the sorting hat feels differently? That could certainly become a very messy situation.”
For now, the administration has been working on finalizing plans for the opening ceremony, which will be, in some ways, similar to commencement. All upperclassman are expected to be present at the opening ceremony, which will happen one week before classes officially start. ìIím not at all happy about having to be on campus early to watch some stupid freshmen get ësortedí into their dorms. I donít see the point,” commented Maddie Malstead í11 Cornwell and Holmes both expected negative feedback from the upperclassman, but are hopeful that once students enter the ceremony, they will be pleasantly surprised. ìWe do have a few tricks up our robes,” said Holmes, ìThis ceremony will be unlike anything Wooster students have ever seen before.”
Although the administration isnít divulging all the details about this day, Cornwell did want to stress that all freshmen will march two-by-two into McGaw Chapel, the site of the ceremony, wearing Wooster kilts while the bagpipers play in the background. Upon entering McGaw, all students will be greeted by the sorting hat, which will be placed atop a wooden stool in the middle of the stage. Each first-year will be called to the stage in alphabetical order and Cornwell will then place the sorting hat on each studentís head. ìThe minute that hat settles on to each studentís head, well, that is when the magic happens,” Cornwell said.
This story was run as part of The Wooster Vice, an annual April Fools publication.† It is a work of satire.