In my four years at The College of Wooster, I have been impacted by myriad programs, professors, students and organizations. But one program in specific has impacted my college career more than any other: Sober, Safe and Smart. The program has saved me, emotionally, physically and socially. I want to highlight some specific things that Sober, Safe and Smart has illuminated to me and the broader Wooster community.
First and foremost, nobody can be sober, safe and smart all at once. It’s impossible: Just ask the student body. Every time I have had more than one beer, I have almost died. Sober, Safe and Smart has reiterated this point in their informative and encouraging bulletin boards in Lowry. Did you know that 30 percent of all college failure is alcohol related? I didn’t, but Sober, Safe and Smart’s bulletin board told me all about it. And they even included portraits of several of my peers who died in alcohol-related accidents during the previous years. College failure is one thing, but if alcohol is going to kill me, I’m never going to have more than one beer ever again! Scare tactics really work on me, especially when they use solid statistics as support. I did notice there wasn’t a bibliography on the bulletin board, which surprised me. I wanted to do further reading on the subject of death, alcohol, and how the two always go hand-in-hand.
Second, Sober, Safe and Smart (hereafter cited as “SSS”), has taught me how a college’s administration can really know the student body on a personal level. When I walked into Lowry Center and Deans Buxton and Kracker were chanting, “Sober, Safe, Smart! Sober, Safe, Smart!” at the top of their lungs, I felt more at home than ever. If there is anywhere in the world to preach abstinence of any kind, it’s a college campus. I was happy to see the administration doing something worthwhile, effective and informative with their time: It warmed my heart like a shot of whiskey never could. Furthermore the students involved in SSS are the pinnacles of sober, safe and smart fun, mainly because most of them are members of the College’s Greek organizations. SSS even offered “on-campus community service hours” for their “Sober, Safe and Smart Fun Run” just to make sure no sorority sisters or fraternity brothers fell behind on their hours! I’m sure nobody was hung-over, and I’m even surer that 100 percent of the participants have been sober, safe and smart ever since. And what a better way to do community service than walking around a track on a Saturday morning in the name of clear-headed good behavior.
Third, SSS has shown me that this College has a huge, massive and enormous drug and alcohol problem. I would say that 50 percent of my peers go to class drunk or on drugs daily. And on weekends I would estimate that 100 percent of the College is drunk and engaging in dangerous and stupid activities. Even the squirrels are often forced to do satanic rituals by the College’s dangerous, drunk and stupid student body. Everyone needs to listen up to the Deans’ office and stop drinking completely. While we’re at it, we should stop walking on the grass, and we should totally start censoring student publications. All students pose a threat; we’re like haywire torpedoes that need to be constantly reminded of our errant addictive stupidity. If not for our own sakes, than at least for insurance purposes, be sober, or else you’re going to be stupid and dangerous and probably near death.
Burt Buhler is a very nice boy who can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.