My brother makes some good points when he talks about the things Obama is doing for this country. But in my opinion, he doesnít go far enough.
From the moment I first saw Obama, when he first won his Illinois senate seat, I knew he would someday be the best President the United States has ever had.
From his beautiful chocolate skin to his perfectly muscled body, to his rich, smooth voice that just makes you feel like everything is going to be alright, everything about Obama says he is a superior class of human being.† I think thereís a reason no other President has been so definitively associated with the phrase ìIíve got a crush on.”
Obama will be good for America for two reasons.† The first is that he brings people together. Anyone who watched the 2008 presidential campaign experienced a clear difference between Obamaís supporters and those of his opponents.† They were young, attractive, happy, energized, excited people.
Hilary and McCainís supporters, in contrast, were old and depressed and annoying.† If you need more evidence, just look at Obamaís inauguration.† Never has a presidential inauguration sold out nearly so fast, or had so many people trying to get tickets.† Some would attribute this to the historic significance of electing our first black president.† I would say, however, the real reason is people just wanted to get close to him ó because heís so darn lovable.
The second reason Obama will be good for America is that he will stimulate the economy. Itís a well-known fact that when people are happier, they spend more money. And who couldnít be happy looking into that handsome face and listening to that charming, calming voice?† Obama can make the stock market go up just by smiling at it.† Could McCain have done that?† Could Hilary ìGrumpy-face” Clinton?† I donít think so.
I couldnít agree with my brother more about the Nobel Peace Prize.† I donít think anyone has ever deserved it more.† I mean, sure Martin Luther King Jr. made huge strides toward Civil Rights and racial equality ó but did he look anywhere near as good in a suit as Obama?
I donít actually know anything about Obamaís policies. But I donít need to ó I mean look at the guy.† He has a beautiful wife and two adorable daughters.† And he bought them a puppy ó how cute is that?† I donít understand how anyone could criticize someone so good-looking and well-spoken.† In my mind, any one who does is a racist bastard.
This story was run as part of The Wooster Vice, an annual April Fools publication.† It is a work of satire.