NBA Commissioner David Stern recently talked to Cleveland Cavaliers Star LeBron James. James is a free agent this offseason and is expected to go anywhere but Cleveland because nobody likes that city anyways.
DS: LeBron, there has been a lot of talk about this upcoming free agency. With you being one of the top players in the league since your rookie season, and the reigning MVP, you are clearly the top prize in this yearís market.
LBJ: Thank you, that means a lot.
DS: Money not a factor, where do you think you want to play next year?
LBJ: Well, right now I would have to sayó
DS: Wait, LeBron, before you continue, let me remind you that you could almost go ANYWHERE. So, please continue.
LBJ: Okay, as I was going to say, I am incredibly thankful to the Cavaliers for giving me the opportunity to play and be successful in this league. In return for my performance, they have upheld their end of our combined plan to fill the rosters with the best players. With young guys like Mo Williams, Anderson Varej„o, Delonte West and Antawn Jamison, as well as recently getting back Zydrunas Ilgauskas, we are not only poised to make a big run at this yearís championship, but more in the future. So, seeing as I have spent my entire career here, and this is where I grew up, and how I am already on one of the best teams in the league, I see no reason to go anywhere else. That is why I am going to try to re-sign with the Cavs.
DS: (Dropping coffee cup to the floor) Oh, sorry. I think I misheard you. What team did you say you wanted to play for?
LBJ: The Cavs.
DS: Iím sorry LeBron. In my old age my ears must not be working. It sounded like you said ìThe Cavs.”
LBJ: Thatís right. I want to play for the Cavs.
DS: Listen, LeBron, if you really want to play basketball next year, donít you want to do it in New York City? You always play so well at Madison Square Garden.
LBJ: I do play well there, but I just feel like the best option for me is here in Cleveland.
DS: LeBron, what if I told you the Knicks were going to get [Kentucky Guard] John Wall? Would you go then?
LBJ: I donít know, he has potential, but the Knicks donít even have a first round pick.
DS: Details, details. I can fix the draft. I have done it before. Remember Patrick Ewing?
LBJ: Listen, I have been on a team where it was just me. It wasnít enjoyable for anyone involved. Why would I go somewhere to be on a project for a couple of years.
DS: Fine, Iíll get [2010 free agent Dwyane] Wade and [2010 free agent Chris] Bosh to go as well. What would you say to that?
LBJ: That would be a lot of fun. We play very well together on team USA. But I donít think I could just give up on Cleveland like that.
DS: We can put your Knicks jersey on the Statue of Liberty.
LBJ: I donít knowó
DS: I can have your face on the never before seen 23 dollar bill. Just one quick phone calló
LBJ: That would be cool butó
DS: LeBron, I will have them change the nickname from ìThe Big Apple” to ìLeBronís backyard.” (Gets down on his hands and knees.) Please, PLEASE go to New York.
LBJ: Fine, fine. Stand up. Youíre making a fool of yourself.
This story was run as part of The Wooster Vice, an annual April Fools publication.† It is a work of satire.