In an attempt to increase interest in a relatively dead sport, the NCAC has decided to incorporate weapons into its swim meets. Items such as Poseidonís trident, harpoon guns, fishnets and tazers will be incorporated into all NCAC swimming competitions starting next season.
ìThis is a great day for our sport,” said newly appointed NCAC weapons coordinator and former competitive swimmer Lee J. Thal. ìThe incorporation of weapons into swimming will increase its popularity beyond parents of the athletes and the occasional boyfriend or girlfriend that has to attend when they really donít want to.”
In the past, swimming had been a contact-free sport. Any interference with another swimmer resulted in their immediate disqualification from not only that race, but potentially the entire meet. These new rules should help to restore some masculinity to the sport.
The plan is as follows ó† each squad will be given one trident, one harpoon gun, five nets and two tazer guns. The trident will only be incorporated into the diving events, with opposing squads allowed to try and strike the divers while they are in midair.† If their throw hits the diver, they still have to finish their six-dive set, or they risk disqualification.
The harpoon gun can be used during any event, but only while the person is fully submerged in the water. If they are shot while on the surface the shooter is given a two-second deduction for each lap in the event.
The nets can be thrown onto any swimmer at any time to slow them down. If they end up touching the bottom of the pool they will be disqualified.
Finally, the tazers can be used on swimmers as they are about to dive off of the starting blocks. If the resulting seizure does not meet that specific events stroke requirements, the swimmer can be disqualified.
ìThis is the reason I am coming to Wooster,” prospective student Gus T. Ortiz stated earlier this week. ìI was planning on going to a swimming school that had a chance at making nationals, but upon hearing I could use weapons during meets by going to Wooster, my mind was practically made up for me. Who wouldnít want to murder some Wittenberg [University] swimmers?”
The move has spurred mixed reaction. The NRA fully supports the move, sponsoring each team in the NCAC. On the other hand, certain Wooster faculty members are opposed to the move.† They feel that these weapons will encourage violence on campus, and that they will not be able to contain it to Bissman Hall.
The NCAC officials are hoping that the move increases both attendance to the meets and participants in the sport. Luckily for the swimming teams, this move is not that much of a gamble.
The attendance couldnít get much lower, anyway.
This story was run as part of The Wooster Vice, an annual April Fools publication.† It is a work of satire.