Recently, Vogue published an article asking, or perhaps begging, the question: “Is having a boyfriend embarrassing?” Chanté Joseph, the author of this opinion piece, discusses her observation of the recent shift in society away from the traditional evaluation of women based on their relationships with men. She argues that women have become empowered, and no longer remain trapped in “Boyfriend Land: a world where women’s online identities [center]around their boyfriends.” Joseph argues that this newfound embarrassment around boyfriends is the result of women’s attempts to” straddle two worlds”- receiving the benefits of a relationship while avoiding being perceived as “culturally loser-ish” for being “too involved” in their relationship. In an era marked by an increasing belief in “heterofatalism,” women are seemingly rejecting their male partners.
I found a couple of issues with Joseph’s article and the concept of “heterofatalism” that serves as the foundation of her work. As an avid watcher and re-watcher of “Sex and the City,” I’ve seen Candace Bushnell and Carrie Bradshaw ask these same questions in much more depth. Op-ed or not, Joseph doesn’t sufficiently contextualize the culture she is talking about. I think it’s fair to be frustrated with any individual who turns their relationship into their entire personality, but this seems to be an issue rooted in the behavior of the individual, rather than the condition of having a “boyfriend.” This idea that our relationships do damage to our “aura” feels deeply sad and isolating. In my 21 years of life, I have often noticed that romantic relationships, particularly for straight cis men, are their only opportunity to experience emotional intelligence and genuine vulnerability. As women, yes, we should be empowered! We should feel comfortable in our individuality and agency, but not at the cost of our relationships, boyfriend or not.
To Joseph’s point, I will say that I’ve seen an increased adoption of misandrist positions and self-proclamations of the title “man-hater”. However, Joseph’s argument still seems to affirm womanhood through other people, denying women the ability to define themselves. Even in this rejection of the “boyfriend”, womanhood still seems to be centered around our relationships with men or a lack thereof. The end of the article is most disappointing to me. It feels like a collection of buzzwords thrown in at the last second with little explanation. Though Joseph claims that this new wave of culture idolizes spinsterhood, in truth, no one wants to be a spinster; we are, by in large, afraid of dying alone or being eaten by our cats. Being frustrated with men or the dating scene should not be taken as a feminist advocacy project; these frustrations don’t actually demonstrate an understanding of the pervasiveness of heterosexuality. The article “The Trouble with Wanting Men,” by The New York Times’ Jean Garnett, shares many of the same problems presented in Joseph’s article. Reminiscent of Carrie’s episode about the “freakshows” in the dating world and the age-old question, “what would it be like for women to have sex or relationships like men?’,” it seems that the only embarrassing thing about having a boyfriend is if we lose our sense of identity in these relationships.
While it is reasonable to criticize the dating behavior of our peers, we also have to acknowledge the role that we play in enabling this isolating dating behavior. So many of our social interactions are mediated through a screen; you might even say we are alienated from one another! The individualist mindset conditioned by capitalist society has driven us so far away from the concept of community that we can no longer build real relationships with one another. We are trapped in oppressive dualisms that make us think in black or white. Applied to this context, men are either helpless losers or they are the key to our salvation … neither is preferable. Furthermore, our natural desire for connection pushes us to accept behaviors we would normally find intolerable. I see this particularly among my white peers who maintain relationships with men whose political orientations stray far from their own or whose partners treat them with little respect.
Now if you just hate your boyfriend and are embarrassed to associate with him, well, that’s something entirely different! Then we might question one’s true feelings or desire to be with this other person. For anyone who liked this article or the one it responds to, I implore you to watch “Sex and the City!” It is a delightful watch and engages in sexual anthropology much better than I do here.
