By Neva Derewetzky
Kneaded or dumped, risen or flat, yeast-filled or gluten free. It’s bread, and for centuries it has united humanity as a people. It is something that can join us for every meal, accompanying our protein, soaking up sauces, becoming a vessel for flavors that can rise beyond imagination. It is a beautiful pillow of glutenous joy, where butter is Jim and bread is Pam. But, alas, as much as I like to wax on the poetics of bread, the Wooster community has been brought another culinary injustice in the kneaded variety. Our very taste buds are at stake. The croissants have gone from pleasant, buttery Calvin Klein pillows of reasonable quality to dense Walmart brand pillows that wake you up in the middle of the night with a sore neck, or in this case, a saddened stomach.
I am your resident food-based conspiracy theorist here to unpack the injustice that has been served to us with flour-covered hands.
First, we must knead into the origins of the croissant. While many may think they originally hail from France, the croissant actually began its origins in Austria, with its name being the kipferl. MarieAntoinette was the reason that the croissant flew to France, for she was homesick for her Austrian cuisine. According to Wikipedia.org, the croissant “is a buttery, flaky, viennoiserie pastry […] named for its historical crescent shape.” It is made by layering a yeast risen dough with butter multiple times in a process called laminating and eventually shaped into a crescent. I would argue that the croissants we now have in Lowry are no longer croissants at all, but in fact some sad replica made in the same shape and nothing else.
Have you ever bitten into a truly good croissant? The butter melts in your mouth and the flaky, soft layers dissolve elegantly. Our croissants have never been that, but they used to be a reasonable representation of what a croissant is. Now, when you shuffle to the bread cabinet and pull out a croissant with the tongs so many have used before, you are met with an over-risen, under-buttered excuse for a croissant. I would go so far as to call it a crescent-shaped roll and not a croissant at all.
I have researched the validity of my claims, and the Wooster student body has spoken. “They used to be light and flaky and now they’re just a wheat roll,” Sarah Vandenbergen ’20, bread enthusiast, said. Imogen Hendricks ’20, bread enthusiast, stated, “It just tastes like sad bread.” Sad bread. Other students admitted that their diet has been gravely affected by this travesty of wheaty dishonesty. Bread enthusiast Hannah Sullivan ’21 explains, “I personally like to put egg salad on a croissant and I haven’t been able to have my sandwich since the new croissant. And do you know how my stomach feels? Sad.” The croissant epidemic in Wooster is affecting students’ wellbeing and I think I know why.
My theory: Wooster is in financial distress. The pressure to save money by the College can be seen in its food. Costs are being cut and prices either raise or the quality falls. As seen in the mozzarella sticks, the price was raised significantly, and now we see the other option with our beautiful flaky friends, the croissant. The quality must suffer. We no longer have a delicious, buttery friend to greet us in the morning, but a washed-up wannabe who cannot compare to the croissants of yesterday.