Gag Me: Fifty Shades Darker

It’s commonplace here at Wooster to complain about projects the school is undertaking as being a ‘waste of money.’ We understand these complaints. However, that’s not fair to the school. As a general rule, if even one person can find value in the slightest aspect of a purchase, then it could be argued that it’s worth the cost.

That said, Fifty Shades Darker is a waste of money.

On Feb. 16, your humble correspondents were accompanied by Mariah Joyce, Adam Hirsch and Marisa Adame to a 10:15 p.m. showing of Fifty Shades Darker — an experience all of us asked for but none of us deserved — just like the female lead. With dialogue that sounded like it came straight from Donald Trump’s Twitter, we could go on about the rampant misogyny and glorification of abusive relationships that the film portrays, not to mention the overall poor quality of the narrative. However, it would be quicker and less painful for us to highlight the few good aspects of the film with the knowledge that if we didn’t bring it up here, it’s genuinely awful. Here are our top six highlights:

1.The soundtrack: For a movie that was visual diarrhea, it was surprisingly pleasant to listen to. With bangers by Sia, Nick Jonas, Nicki Minaj and John Legend, the soundtrack offers a way to enjoy the best parts of the film without having to actually watch anything. Your humble correspondents were especially big fans of Zayn and T. Swift’s collaboration in “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever,” to the point of leading a singalong during the closing credits.

2.The sex positions: Regardless of how much BDSM ornamentation might be in the scene, your humble correspondents were relieved that the film confirmed our suspicions that there is indeed only one sexual position — missionary — as God intended.

3. The Bush: we’re not talking about George W.

4. The audience: One upside to watching Fifty Shades in a crowded theatre is most of the people there are in the same boat as you are. There is a bizarre sense of community that stems from experiencing Fifty Shades as a unit — I imagine it’s kind of like how pledging brings people closer in Greek groups. Added bonus if you end up with someone in your theatre who thought they were going to see a different movie — that always adds an extra layer of fun.

5. Mariah Joyce: If you’re like us, you will watch the movie with the most illustrious Editor in Chief. The only sound more constant than moaning throughout the film was Mariah expressing anger. To be fair, it surprised everyone that she actually came.

6. Appreciation for the arts: The first thing we would recommend watching after the film is porn. You will find yourself engrossed in the storyline in a way that you were not during Fifty Shades Darker. For a movie that prides itself on being softcore pornography, the story is really lacking behind some other classic of the genre, such as Seinfeld: a Porn Parody.

And that’s about it. Take it from your humble correspondents: save the $7.50 or spend it on gas to drive in the very opposite of any establishment showing this film.

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