Michael Hatchett
A&E Editor
Many people, including me, aren’t good at social interactions. Especially when it comes to romantic ones. I once took a girl on date to her father’s restaurant. I once invited a girl over to my house to watch pro wrestling on an illegal stream on my computer. I once took a girl on a date to a coffee shop and ordered – never mind, I’ve told that story too many times. So why am I writing a guide on what people should do with their significant others on a day solely dedicated to spending time with your significant other?
Well, I’m not. All my activities work for couples, but also for single people. Because let’s face it, there’s always one activity that couples can do together that single people can’t. If you know what I mean (sex aka hanky-panky aka taking the midnight express to Pound Town). But honestly, Valentine’s Day is like Halloween for couples because it’s more fun when you’re a kid, you eat a lot of candy and you pretend to be someone you’re not. Just kidding. Mostly. But anyway, here are some great activities to do on Valentine’s Day whether you’re in a happy relationship, prolonging an inevitable, gut-wrenching breakup or just by yourself.
Activity #1 – Going to the DMV. Listen, we’re all in college but some of us are leaving pretty soon. We’ve got to face the fact (for more about embracing facts, read the Scene section of Arts & Entertainment) that we must leave Wooster behind and move on to the adult world. What better way to prepare yourself (or a loved one) for the adult world than by going to the DMV?
You get to sit for a really long time (who doesn’t love sitting?), there’s always a great amount of people-watching and you get the nervous excitement of having your number read out loud by a cold, robotic voice. Now you might be asking ,“Michael, romance expert that you are, what if I don’t need to go to the DMV?”
That’s a great question, disembodied voice of a stranger, and I have an even greater answer. Going to the DMV for no reason will feel utterly pointless. You know what else will feel utterly pointless? Your entire post-graduate life!
Activity #2 – Doing your taxes. As the great philosopher Clifford Smith (also known as Method Man) once said, “Cash rules everything around me.” That’s right, baby, I’m talking about money. Dollar signs. Rebates. Benefits. Taxes.
If you’re really looking to spend some quality time with someone (or yourself), preparing your tax forms is a great way to see how much you really enjoy someone’s (or your own) company. Watch the sparks fly as you try to figure out what a W-2 is! Feel the passion as you call your parents in tears saying, “I don’t know what I’m doing!” Get aroused at just the idea that after all your time and effort, you might not even get any tax returns! But seriously folks, do your taxes. There’s nothing less sexy than getting audited by the IRS. Even if they do wear those cute little outfits.
Activity #3 – Sit in abject silence. We live in a hustle bustle world, people. As millennials, we have constant distractions like light and sound. Wanna get away from it all? Find a completely windowless room and sit in there for 12-14 hours with a loved one (or by yourself). Don’t speak, don’t move, don’t even open your eyes.
Feel yourself fall into a inaudible abyss where you feel nothing and you become deaf to your own screams. Forget the names of the ones you love, forget that you are flesh and bone, remember that from stardust you came and to stardust you will return. Then turn the lights on and fuck!