ASPCA Thickened


Nicest guy ‘til you meet him

It recently was announced that Sarah McLaquehlan would be abandoning her position as celebrity spokeswoman of The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA). The president of the organization was quick to announce MkClocklan’s replacement — Robin Thicke. McClouglen filmed her first commercial for the organization in 2006, and since has raised $30 million in donations. ASPCA board secretary, Cindy Spooner, reported that the organization hopes to double this number within their first year with Thicke. Responding to the choice of spokesperson, Spooner went on to say that, “Sarah was best known for her emotional ballads, but it seems to have had a negative impact on the American population.”

Since the initial airing of McLaughlan’s first commercial featuring her “Angel,” the number of diagnosed depression cases in the United States has increased by over five percent. “We can no longer affiliate ourselves with this kind of burden on the American public. Besides can you possibly imagine hosting events and fundraisers with McLaklun’s ballads playing all night?” said Spoonerer. Off the record, Spooner later admitted that she has been taking Prozac since 2008.

Spooner went on to explain their choice of Thicke as ASPCA’s newest celebrity spokesman, saying, “Thicke has a talent  for disguising awfulness with pleasant party tunes. ASPCA’s promotional events are sure to have a more beneficial impact on the American public. When people hear Thicke’s music, we hope that they can be aware of the atrocities in this world, but feel comfortable dancing to it.”

While chatting over a cup of chamomile, Thicke explained his own motivation for representing ASPCA. In February of 2012, Tyga released a music video to his single, “Cat City.” The video made Thicke aware of some of the harsh conditions in which cats find themselves.

“That song changed Robin Thicke’s life,” said Thicke. He continued, clarifying, “fact: Robin Thicke loves cats — even more than Jocelyn Lion ’15.” Specifically Thicke noted that the lines, “That kitties got stank breath; it need a peppermint. Don’t let em in, fleas all in the skin. Selling kitties. Selling kitties,” moved him towards accepting this position. On a side note, as a fab critic of all things art and entertainment, I highly encourage everyone who enjoys drinking milk out of martini glasses to check out this video if you haven’t already (hairball, hairball).

Thicke’s first commercial is expected to air next Wednesday on CBS during Survivor 28’s second advertisement break. It will likely highlight his most recent work, “Blurred Lines.” ASPCA hopes that they can find happier animals to guest star in this commercial than the sad saps appearing in McLocklun’s work. Spooner also noted that the commercial would likely incorporate a choreographed, but not too choreographed, dance number.

Thicke abruptly ended the interview, left without paying and concluded, “Cat City, Bitch.”