Anyong!
Staff Writer
Many hearts were broken the day beloved, tenured English professor Larry Stewart announced his plan to retire come the end of the 2011-2012 school year. Wails of pain and agony could be heard from the Fairlawn Apartments to Luce Hall. Realizing that no good could come from a depression stricken student body, The College of Wooster administrators quickly took matters into their own hands to rectify the spiraling disaster.
After throwing around ideas such as keeping Stewart caged with the monkeys in Morgan Hall, auctioning off Stewart’s body parts to brokenhearted students or replacing one of the flagpoles atop Kauke tower with Stewart himself to wave the flag, the administrators landed upon the perfect remedy.
Due to the suspiciously long cleaning of the Abraham Lincoln statue that could previously be seen outside Andrew’s library, the College has decided to forgo any further attempts to retrieve the statue. Instead, the College has agreed to fund the process of Stewart, himself, being bronzed and welded to the statue’s platform. “It seemed like a win/win,” said President Cornwell. “Stewart can finally get a well deserved rest and students can still have the pleasure of seeing him daily.”
The process of turning a real, breathing human being into a bronze statue can be expensive and time consuming, not to mention dangerous. However, even with the risk, Stewart has agreed to go through with the process. “He’s so brave!” said Cornwell.
At the request of his adoring students, Stewart has agreed to be bronzed in one of his ever-popular body contortion desk poses. The pose chosen is similar to the yoga pose Marichyasana III, only slightly more seductive. “Well, I figured why not give the students what they want?” said Stewart.
The statue’s design team has taken on the lofty goal of making the statue radiate the same energy that Stewart has always shared with his students. “We are going for an almost uncomfortable sexual vibe,” said the head of the statue’s design team. “His choice of literature, from what I understand, has always been very liberal when it comes to sex. I hear the students love it!”
The bronzing transformation is scheduled to begin a week after commencement, in order to give Stewart a final week to spend doing his favorite activity: reading children’s books. If the process goes smoothly, the statue will be erected for the beginning of the 2012-2013 school year.
