Associate Dean of Students Christie Bing Kracker revealed last week that she is an actual cracker. “The time has come to tell the truth,” she said. “I am not not a human being. I am a Toll House brand cracker with light salt. I can no longer hide from what I am, and I hope that the student body can accept that.”
Faced with questions of whether or not a cracker is truly capable of dealing with human students, President Grant Cornwell said that “the first step to becoming a Global Citizen is accepting all other cultures, and that includes anthropomorphic foodstuffs.”
Cornwell did not respond to insinuations that he is actually an ear of corn with a goatee.