John McGovern

“What’s your 2:30 feel like?” I didn’t think I could dread a phrase on TV more than “I had to reuse catheters” until I saw the ad for 5-Hour Energy. Initially just a poorly filmed advertisement aimed at the vibrant community of truck drivers and office workers, the shot-sized energy drink can now be purchased at even your most dilapidated bodega.

Apparently focused on targets larger than the sleepy in the afternoon demographic, the new slogan for the exorbitantly successful company appears to be “5-hour Energy — Every day!” The commercial ends with office drones and dead-on-the-inside mothers reciting this newfound life-plan given unto them by their energy masters. The zombified chants reflect a natural attempt by businesses to encourage purchase of a product as often as possible, however reveals the underlying problems of overworked Americans.

Any time a product claims to better your life with daily use, before latching onto it like a drunk on a Big Cheese, you need to consider what brought your life to the point of requiring external stimulation. It freaks me out when testimonials claim, “It helps me feel like me again” and “I am a lifer for sure.” Instead of looking for a different job, evaluating your priorities or some other lifestyle change, why not chug good old taurine and glucorinic acid? Don’t ever think your body is overworked, you just don’t have that all-natural injection of 8333 percent of daily Cyanocobalamin.

I’m no stranger to energy drinks. I drink coffee regularly, and I went through a Nos phase for a semester — the middle shelf of an Avery house fridge holds eight. As a senior (still) working on I.S., every hour I work past midnight correlates to my purchase of battery acid coffee still stewing at Mom’s. The difference is that I’m a student not trying to make this a lifestyle, and I’m not looking forward to being dependent on an energy drink to “help me feel like me again.” If that problem exists for you, please seek professional help, because that’s not something  taurine will cure.

This is another instance of Americans willingly tricking themselves into believing this is how laborers in the modern age should operate. Despite the fact that we work 260 hours per year more than our British counterparts. Despite that one in every three Americans works more than 50 hours per week while at least one in five adults live in poverty. Despite that United States productivity per hour of work lags behind Ireland, Germany and France.

The fast-paced world we live in isn’t going away. It certainly feels that at times we’re not up to speed, that our attention is just not sharp enough, our focus a tad blurry. Whatever the drug of choice, the tradition of consuming body-altering stimulants traces back to antiquity, whether from coca leaves or tobacco pipes. Now these once occasional surges of energy is advertised as integral to your success as a worker.

The stress levels of Americans continue to grow as the unemployment rate hovers dangerously right below double digits. Fear of job security correlates to the increased workload we readily accept, and keeping up with unhealthy hours requires questionably healthy diets. The new phenomenon of praising energy drinks to get through the day sidesteps the real issue — Americans work too much. The conversation shouldn’t be “take 5-Hour Energy;” it should be “take five hours off the workweek.”