In continuing efforts to make the Wooster campus greener, Greenhouse has worked with Gault Library officials to shorten their hours. This tactic, Greenhouse hopes, will reduce unnecessary energy use on the campusí behalf.

ìWe thought about doing something more productive, like turning off all the lights in classroom buildings when theyíre closed, but we felt this would be more influential,” said Greenhouse president, Austin Liquor í10, ìThis is something people will notice. Weíll definitely raise awareness about going green.”

The new hours consist of Monday through Thursday from noon to 4 p.m. and Friday from midnight to 3 a.m. The library will be closed on Saturdays and Sundays.

ìClosing on Saturdays and Sundays also doubles as support for the more religious groups on campus,” said Liquor. ìNow we can save energy while respecting the Sabbath.” Liquor added that Greenhouse collectively decided to promote closing on Saturdays and Sundays on the grounds that they are the least popular days to visit the library. ìNo students work on Sundays,” Liquor said. ìWho would want to? Itís the last day to enjoy the weekend!”

ìWe actually have no evidence that anyone uses the library,” added Greenhouse member Tibby Lackler í13. ìEvery time I go in there, itís eerily quiet.”

Activities held in the library, such as Goliard meetings and Writing Center workshops, are currently being arranged for relocation in Bissman first floor lounge. ìThis was carefully thought out,” said Liquor. ìWe want to promote a ëwork hard, play hardí attitude on campus. We feel that being able to do both in the same building will really help us focus.”

ìThe Goliard supports this 100 percent,” added Julian Daniels í10, the Goliardís editor in chief. ìWeíve been meaning to get out of that dingy office and move to somewhere more scenic for years. But the publications committee only cares about the Index [the schoolís legendary yearbook], so our needs have always been put on the back-burner.”

Liquor stated that, once the praise of the new library hours calms down, Greenhouse plans on moving onto their next initiative: Showerless Saturdays.

ìWhen you think about it, we waste so much water showering regularly,” added Greenhouse vice president Elisha Getta í11. ìItís so wasteful. I hate showering.”

Other plans, tentatively scheduled for the end of this semester and the beginning of next, include composting the Holden Annex and disabling all dormitory fire alarms. ìThatíll save so much energy. Really, when was the last time one of the Holden or Bissman fire alarms was pulled because of a real fire?” added Fackler.

Those interested in joining Greenhouseís noble efforts to reduce the Collegeís carbon footprint can contact Liquor or Getta.

ìIím proud of all of the initiatives weíve taken this year, and am excited for whatís to come,” said Getta. ìThe campus is still very environmentally unfriendly. But I believe that Liquor will make everything better.”

This story was run as part of The Wooster Vice, an annual April Fools publication.† It is a work of satire.