As part of the Greeksí effort to strengthen their relationship with campus, the schoolís clubs and sections have unanimously voted to throw a sponsored party in Timken Library this Saturday. The Greeks came to this decision after many strenuous voting periods and meetings, many of which captured their attention for close to 10 minutes.
When Andrew Vogel í10, president of Xi Chi Psi, was asked what prompted the choice of venue, he replied, ìWe usually just party in Bissman, but we really wanted to extend an invite to President Cornwell and other faculty members who might have had negative images of us in the past.”
For those of you who donít follow campus geography, Timken, recently dubbed ìPimpken” by the Greeks,† faces the Presidentís home. ìWhatís more inviting than throwing a killer bash right across the street?,” said Vogel. The Greeks have really put a lot of thought into what would get faculty to come and are hoping that between deafening rave music, coma-ensuing jungle juice and the standard night of binge drinking they will feel enticed to show up for the activities.
Another major influence on where to throw the party came from the idea that Greeks are not academically strong students. The Greeks are sick of being labeled as ìslackers” and ìun-smart” and think that having a party in Timken will send the right message. ìI have lots of thoughts about things that are really important, like the economy and stuff,” said Grainne Carlin í11, vice president of Alpha Gamma Phi. When pushed as to what concerned her about the economy, Carlin insisted, ìNo, seriously, Iím freaking out.” Carlin, who could not be reached for further comment, admitted during the interview that she did not know where Timken was, nor would she be attending the event on Saturday.
Although the event is definitely slated to occur this Saturday, the theme for the party is still up in the air. Unfortunately, most of the good themes have already been done this year so the Greek community faces the daunting task of choosing between ìdress like your favorite professor,” ìWooster tartan,” or ìthings that start with G.” In true fraternal tradition, a vote will be held to determine the final choice, but then 20 minutes later be changed to ìtight and bright” by a fraternity suppressing their homosexual tendencies.
The Greek community would like to stress that everyone is welcome to attend this event. Activities for the party have yet to be determined, but will most likely include grinding with each other, making out in corners and puking in the study rooms.† In the past, many students have expressed discontent over the fact that they do not feel welcome at Greek parties, but hopefully these activities will suppress the anxiety many students may be having.
However, donít forget that certain guidelines still apply so that conduct remains stable. Like every other Greek event, no one who isnít friends with Greeks, hook up with Greeks, has loose morals or can shotgun a beer in under 10 seconds can come. For a full list of standards, you could refer to the Office of Greek Fraternal Affairs, if we had one.
The planning of this event had been going smoothly until recently when disaster nearly struck. The leaders of the groups hit a recent speed bump while† looking for some big-name guest stars to host the party. After being rejected by both BeyoncÈ and Mark Whalberg, club presidents came to the agreement that Beta Kappa Phi member Aaron Gill í11 will assume the role of his look-alike, tennis star Roger Federer and spend the night offering tips to improve your game along with autographs for $5 dollars a peice. The money collected will be donated to both Haitian relief and to bail out whichever Greek member ends up in jail that night.
No matter what the outcome of Saturdayís party, this is a huge victory for the Greek community, close to being on the same level as health care reform or naming the C-Store. Kate Bovarnick í11, a member of Zeta† Phi Gamma said, ìeveryone is really looking forward to this party,” adding that she is in fact abroad and could not confirm this statement, but that if for some reason people werenít enthused, they were ìprobably just jealous.”
As of press time, only Larry Stewart had confirmed his attendance. President Cornwell could not be reached for comment, but was spotted along with several deans and professors burning a suspiciously similar looking invitation in a small trash fire in his backyard while† ìHighway to Hell”† was on full blast.
This story was run as part of The Wooster Vice, an annual April Fools publication.† It is a work of satire.