ìWeíre not talking about a hobby. Never call it that bra, or someone might shank you. Surfing is a way of life.”

So says Rob Suave í13, one of the many advocates in the College of Wooster Surf program, fondly referred to as ìCOW Surf.”† Theyíve been working for over 335 years to date ó before the college was even founded ó to try and bring surfing into either the curriculum or as a club on campus. And this year their dedication is finally beginning to pay off.

As a newcomer to COW Surf, I was initially thrown off by the program. To be honest, I had always thought it was a joke. Iíve surfed a few times before, so I know there are logistical issues. A surfing program in the middle of Ohio? Where would they even get the water? How would they deal with the usually-chilly temperatures? Would they receive enough funding for such an expensive hobby ó excuse me, ìway of life?'”

Curious about these questions and more, I joined. A single meeting was more than enough to put all of my questions to rest. COW Surfs hasnít been working so hard for so many centuries for nothing.

Unknown to many of the Collegeís students, there actually is a body of water with nearly ideal surfing conditions located 15 minutes from campus.

ìMillerís Pond is almost 30 yards across and when the wind blows just right Ö Iíve never seen anything like it. Who needs the crowds and pressure of California and Hawaii? We have an isolated location with waves reaching nearly 4 inches thatís a super short drive from campus. I couldnít ask for anything more,” said Ann Agwa í10, the current president.

But some of the students disagree, which is why we have been striving to bring dream surfing conditions directly to campus ó more specifically, to the Physical Education Center† which is currently being revamped. Although it can be found in the blueprints, most people donít know that almost 1/3 of the gym is actually going to be a surfing pool, complete with machine-produced waves, 85 degree water, and a current that will allow students to sail on forever, rather than eventually hitting the wall or running out of waves. These advances will be powered by the coal plant located on the south side of campus. A swimming pool isnít currently in the plans for the PEC.

ìOnly the swimming and diving teams ever used the pool anyway,” Agwa said. ìThere are really so many more surfers. A surfing pool will be much more popular, and probably bring in a lot of revenue for the school once we all start going pro and winning competitions.”

I couldnít agree more. I hate to be the parrot, but to say whatís on everyoneís mind; these truly are difficult economic times. The initial cost may be severe, as you may have noticed from President Cornwellís tuition letter, but once the pool is done and we can get out there and really do our thing, youíll wish you were a surfer too, so you can make bank just like us.

As COW Surf founder Serf Moore, class of 1675, said to his adversaries, ìYou may be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a banker and make tons of money, but do you live? We live the dream. And we want to bring this dream to everyone in the world. Whether youíve realized it yet or not, we all ride the waves at heart.”

Kris Fronzak enjoys extreme sports and sunlight. She is willing to pay any price to get what she wants. She is the reason for the yearly tutition increase.† She lives on an isolated island.

This story was run as part of The Wooster Vice, an annual April Fools publication.† It is a work of satire.