Associate Dean of Students Christie Bing Kracker revealed last week that she is an actual cracker. “The time has come to tell the truth,” she said. “I am not not a human being. I am a Toll House brand cracker with light salt. I can …
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News
Squirrels target students
Emily Bartelbum News Editor There has recently been an increase in incidents of squirrels violently targeting students with acorns. This past week alone, 10 students were admitted to the Student Wellness Center because of concussions and numerous welts after being pelted by the tree-loving villains, …
Cornwell becomes galactic citizen
Ian Benson Ball so Hard After the stunning revelation that humanity is no longer the only form of intelligent life in the universe, President Grant Cornwell pledged to prepare students for taking a larger step in the world and a grander role on the galactic …
Student experiences ego death
On Saturday, a student under the influence of LSD was taken to the Wellness Center against his will after attempting to eat a dog owned by Dr. Hustwit. Upon being taken to Wellness, the student became increasingly combative, especially upon seeing the tropical fish that …
Alpha Omega frarority emerges to hoard all beer
Students in withdrawal of beer, struggling to make it through rest of academic year Emily Bartelbum News Editor The full effects of the new Alpha Omega frarority have finally set in on the students around campus. Since the beginning of January 2012, all of Wooster’s …
Security takes things into its own hands
New changes to go into effect immediately, penalties for violations dire Ramrod Kincannon News Editor In order to combat the rising rate of binge drinking and drug use on campus, a series of changes to the College’s security policy has been proposed. Some are more …