Ear Ben Ben Needs Neosporin Narrowly avoiding what would have been the start of a descent into alcoholism, Holden RA Dennis Mayer ’15 wrote up one of his residents for underage alcohol last Monday afternoon. Mayer was walking around his hall following a class when …

Why it matters Thinks he’s in charge On Wednesday morning, Nigel Thornberry ’15 paid attention for an entire class period, despite having his laptop in front of him. Dumbfounded classmates report that Thornberry only used his computer to take notes and didn’t once go online. …

Mariah is Joyous Maddi’s Resident Yardley Young ’17 found herself the subject of ridicule this past Monday after receiving yet another package from home. The ecstatic freshman, who hails from Columbus, Ohio, opened her mail while onlookers glared. “What a loser,” commented Melanie Edgewood ’15. …

  Eyeborgs Airing on SyFy Following a brief, five-minute conversation at a party on I.S. Monday, senior English major Tyler Goldschmidt reportedly felt he understood the basic gist of chemistry major Michael Hayes’s I.S. Goldschmidt, who last took chemistry in his junior year of high …

  Press Pressly Press Predator After spending weeks plotting revenge, College President Grant Cornwell decided on a way to get back at students for filling the arch with snow. Cornwell first became upset when he noticed that students who filled the arch were getting more …

Tavis Marman Total Cutie In what witnesses described as “a total freshman move” and “beyond inconsiderate,” Stephen Glansburg ’15 scanned a 40-page document in the CoRE at 8:54 a.m. on Monday. One of the two CoRE printers was broken, and as a result a line …