Letís get this clear right now: Barack Hussein Obama is a great guy, and a great president. This was a man who used grassroots politics and a message of hope and change to get elected to the highest seat in the country against incredible odds. In the months since he has been in office, Obama has already begun to effect significant change, pulling us out of the financial crisis (with some help), releasing the prisoners from Guantanamo Bay (mostly) and passing a pretty good healthcare bill.
As he showed in his State of the Union, Obama is willing to stand up for bipartisanship and strike down dirty Republican tricks. Even as those damn, dirty Republicans try to make him a lame duck despite his Senate majority, Obama is determined to deliver what he promised: Change. Mark my words, Obamaís sinking approval ratings are a phase that will end when the Republicans finally realize they are beaten, that Yes We Can! will always be stronger than No We Canít! and that if Obama can win the respect and admiration of the International Community in the form of a Nobel Peace Prize, he can surely win the respect of the warring political structure in his own country.
The healthcare bill that Obama came up with would have singlehandedly solved all healthcare problems. As the imperfect legislature got their hands on it and started tearing it apart on behalf of corporate interests, it lost more and more of the golden perfection that infects everything Obama touches.† As a result, the bill will not solve all of our problems, but it is still the most progressive healthcare bill to pass in our nation in years.
Obama flies all over the world repairing the damage done to our national identity by George W. Bush and his Uncle Dick. Heís made friends with countries like Russia, where antagonism helps no one and reopened closed relationships in Iran and North Korea, pursuing a peaceful solution to nuclear disarmament. On the other hand, he has stood up to countries like Israel and Afghanistan, forging peace by telling Israel to halt construction in the West Bank and demanding just this week in Afghanistan that Hamad Karzai step up his rebuilding efforts and take a stand against corruption. Once again, Obama is forced to work with a broken world created by years of Republican waste, but once again his magic Obama touch and Yes We Can! philosophy are gradually improving the situation.
Obama is, quite simply, the best president the United States has ever had or will ever have. Everywhere he turns, Obama faces Republican opposition, either from the past or from the present. But over and over again, Obama manages to triumph over these odds, forever decreeing, in his signature bold, calm voice that yes, we can.
This story was run as part of The Wooster Vice, an annual April Fools publication.† It is a work of satire.