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After spending weeks plotting revenge, College President Grant Cornwell decided on a way to get back at students for filling the arch with snow. Cornwell first became upset when he noticed that students who filled the arch were getting more attention than he was. He appeared particularly angry with Jesse Tiffen ’15, who starred in a promotional video about the arch-filling.
Students reportedly heard Cornwell shouting, “Fire that Tiffen kid from the Voice staff!” as he rode his scooter into the night.
After failing to attract students’ attention and adoration by doing scooter tricks in front of his house, Cornwell decided to take drastic action. He drove his Chevy Equinox into the center of Kauke arch. His own arch filling had begun.
Next, Cornwell opened the giant vault — hidden behind the façade that is built to look like a college president’s house — which contains his yearly compensation. He started shoveling his money into a wagon, hitched the wagon to his scooter and ferried his compensation to the arch. It took hours.
Once his compensation — consisting of money, a car, a cable satellite dish, a country club yearly pass and a housekeeper — was all near Kauke, Cornwell artfully arranged these items in the arch.
The housekeeper reportedly escaped the pile and ran off into the night.
Within minutes, Kauke arch was stuffed floor-to-ceiling with Cornwell’s compensation. “What should I do with the rest of it?” grumbled Cornwell.
The next morning, students sleepily heading to class found their path blocked by luxury goods and piles of money.
Reactions were mixed. Some students scoffed at the display of wealth, while others considered the filled arch a moving piece of modern art exploring the current state of higher education in America. But most pocketed one or two handfuls of bills and found a different entrance to Kauke.
As of press time, Cornwell had reportedly set the mass of total compensation on fire, sparing only his iPod and Vespa. Eyewitness reports indicate that the President was later seen doing wheelies on College Ave. while listening to Rick Ross’s Mastermind on his iPod.
