Ben Rozner
Contributing Writer
Thomas Pitney has once again proven himself a sham and a rabble-rouser as he formulated a fabulously fraudulent tier list, this time centered around beverages. After reviewing the rankings, I am convinced that Mr. Pitney has consumed nothing but Five-Hour Energy for his entire life.
Let us begin with the so-called “S-Tier” drinks. Chocolate milk and both types of milkshakes belong here, but I must disagree with Thomas’ other choices. Lemonade, though a respectable drink, ought to be moved to A-Tier purely because it is so difficult to perfect. As for eggnog, I simply cannot picture myself enjoying a drink made with eggs, though I understand why some do. Orange and grape soda are, without a doubt, the least deserving of an S-Tier ranking. They are, respectively, the second-worst and worst soda flavors, and nothing will change my opinion on this.
Of the eight drinks listed in A-Tier, only three deserve their spots: milk, iced tea, and Coca-Cola. Water, apple cider and bubble tea ought to be in S-Tier, and latte coffee and beer should be lower. I believe that coffee and alcohol in any form taste bad. You can dress them up with pretty designs and fancy cups, but if given the choice between a coffee and a hot chocolate, or a beer and a glass of juice, I choose the latter option.
I have no qualms with B-Tier other than the inclusion of caffeinated beverages here; they should be placed in C-Tier or below. The same is true of C-Tier, though I must put orange juice in D-Tier since I despise its flavor.
D-Tier is a mess, so let us analyze its issues. Monster energy belongs at least one tier higher due to its wide variety of flavors and general usefulness, especially for sleep-deprived college students. Protein shakes and strawberry milkshakes are an affront to God and should be placed far below F-Tier, if possible. Diet Coke deserves more respect; I would place it in B-Tier, slightly below standard Coke. Wine and Red Bull can keep their spots, but I could see them easily fitting into F-Tier as well.
Now we reach the bottom of the barrel: F-Tier. Strawberry milk, like its milkshake cousin, deserves such a low ranking, as does dark coffee. But fruit punch and apple juice have been poorly placed in such a low rank. If it were up to me, these two drinks would be in B-Tier at least.
I eagerly await the next edition of Thomas’ Tiers; hopefully, he will see the error of his ways and present a tier list we can all agree with.
Elena Dunn
Contributing Writer
As I begin to write this, it is 6:21 a.m. on a Sunday and I have once again been rudely awakened by my very own Brush Hall room. Dear reader, living in Brush Hall is not an S-tier experience. Like many of you, I anxiously await the Voice’s release and its controversial segment, Thomas’ Tiers. Well Thomas, you’ve forced my hand. If I had made that tier list, Brush would’ve been a low A-tier, high B-tier. I fell hard for Brush Hall, and now its siren song has taken another victim. I, like many students since its completion in 2016, upheld Brush as the pinnacle of campus living. The dorm to end all dorms. However, it has yet to live up to its name.
Let’s begin. Firstly, walking on the second floor (as I’ve had to do when all four single bathrooms are occupied downstairs) is an experience akin to walking on the plywood sets my high school built for our donation-funded musicals. The result, my friends, is the ability for first floor residents to hear every footfall, pen drop and 1 a.m. furniture rearrangement taking place above them (the drywall walls and deceptively heavy doors have this same feature). Secondly, the bathrooms. The low tub wall and short curtains mean that no matter what you do, the floor will always have a half an inch of water somewhere. Couple this with the constant presence of paper towels on the floor, and your shower shoes are working overtime.
I have arrived at my last point, the cause of my 6:30 a.m. writing spree. The heat in my room will sometimes blast at full force until I get up to open the window, the only sense of control we have over the vicious machine. Yes, I have A/C. Lovely. I also have heat that will wake me up with a combination of temperature and noise, forcing me to get out of my bed to soothe it back to sleep, which takes anywhere from five to 20 minutes to actually work. If you are a rising senior mulling over your options for the 2024-25 school year, I implore you to maybe go for the less glitzy, more cinderblock-y, soundproof options. Perhaps Kenarden or Babcock would be more practical. Your I.S. and sanity will thank you.
