Annelisea Brand
Hasbro’s The Game of Life is a board game that people either hate or love. If you hate it, you probably think the game goes too long and is unrealistic. If you love it, then that probably means things typically work out in your favor. My third year at Wooster has taught me that the first generation experience is a trial and error game that has big consequences for every error and small wins for every success.
Each loss is a reminder of where my family is at and the pressure starts to weigh on my next decision. The next move has to be better and if it is not, my dreams are unrealistic. Each success is enough to satisfy me for a short time and then I need to reach the next level fast. I do not know when my luck is going to run out.
After countless times of playing, you would think that my-self and other first-generation students would start to catch on after so many errors. Yet, the reality is that we are the first doing most things, if not everything, in our families. I do not have anyone to lean on for advice. My moves impact everyone and everything. Do I go to college out of state or in state? Do I try to work in the public sector or private sphere? Do I buy this $10 meal or not? The first generation experience is a game you cannot win, and will not know if you did win, until the next generation of your family appears. People reading this will probably equate it to being an adult making adult decisions. However, while I am playing this game I have another one going on behind the scenes at Wooster that some of you have never thought about.
The first generation experience is isolating. My “breaks” mean staying on campus and are often spent by myself working because driving home for a few days at a time doesn’t make economic sense while my peers are with their families. I do not apply to internships that are unpaid. I can make more money working a 9-5 summer job than through a stipend given to me. Work-study is a great initiative, but the truth is when you are sending money to your family or paying for all your own necessities, it is not enough.I have multiple jobs at once and prioritize work over school sometimes. I cannot always participate in school trips that require fees. The first generation experience is watching your family struggle constantly, socially or economically. If plan A doesn’t work out, I have plans B-Z already prepared. Yet, my plans do not rely solely on my effort. They rely on things working out in my favor. The first generation experience makes me feel like an imposter.
People always tell me I am intimidating because I have my life together and big plans that I act on. the reality though is that I am filled with anxiety and constantly worrying about my next move because I have to. I cannot afford to get one step behind or just go with the flow. Uncertainty and risk mean losing. In academic settings I am quiet. I do not want to tell my professors that I am first-generation all the time. I do not want to tell them that the reason I did not get an A on a paper or that my attendance is low is because I was too busy taking care of my family at ages 18-22. I do not want their sympathy or yours. I want stability. This is the game I play every day as a first-generation, limited- income student.