Henry Yours
Global Warming Expert

Unfortunately, students who were disappointed with the destruction of Scot Lanes have no time to rest their salty tear ducts. Due to recent developments in our planet’s climate, snow (as well as polar bears), has been declared a thing of the past.. The tradition has now been replaced with flooding the Oak Grove.

Although many independent minds tried to tackle the situation, it was clear that they were not working together. One student attempted to fill the arch with salt — unfortunately, there was only enough gargle salt from the Wellness Center to reach mid-calf at its deepest point. Additionally, Wellness was left with nothing to give students when they arrived with various fevers, colds, headaches and pregnancies. The lacrosse team made a generous effort to the salt pile, adding a copious amount of their own white powdery substance. Chemistry majors chipped in by dumping containers from their labs of whatever “looked snow-like.”

President Sarah Bolton even came near the end of the event to contribute her own dandruff, which truly showed how committed she is to the campus community.

Overall, the sad display amounted to a waist-high conglomerate of “everything but” snow. When the time came that everyone knew filling the arch was a bust, Grounds Crew valiantly stepped up to hose away all the refuse. Because snow didn’t work, flooding was seen as a viable alternative. This required no work from students, as climate change filled the Oak Grove all on its own.

The cesspool formerly known as the Oak Grove did accomplish something that filling the arch hasn’t done since 1972 — get classes canceled. The morass was deemed a safety hazard by the Center for Disease Control after two students were sent to Wellness with a combination of gangrene, lycanthropy, spanish influenza, mumps, cavities, heavy legs, greyscale, lovesickness and hiccups.

This marks year three of the earth being at a temperature where things like snow and naturally occurring ice are as extinct as the iPod. Although some old traditions may die, it’s time for Wooster to adapt to the world around it in true Scot spirit. When the water trucks come to dole out our allotted ration for the month — grab your winter birkenstocks and lets flood the Oak Grove.