“Woominati” squirrels reportedly planning revolution after the death of one of their kin in transformer accident last semester
Macaroon Corkscrew
“I Want Coffee”
Security and Protective Services (SPS) installed multiple security cameras on Beall Avenue over spring break as an attempt to prevent harassment and other incidents on the road. The installation was revealed late Sunday night to have been a failure, as several of the cameras were installed backwards.
Additionally, the plastic coverings were not removed from cameras on the far north end of campus, resulting in extremely blurry footage.
Another camera placed outside of Galpin Hall was installed backwards near the windows of Dean of Students Scott Brown’s office. Before the installation error was corrected, SPS reported the camera had recorded several hours worth of footage of Brown trying on baseball caps.
Cameras near the Oak Grove were also installed backwards and captured extensive footage of the College’s squirrel population. Notably, a cluster of very large squirrel nests in the Oak Grove was monitored constantly for several days. A steady stream of squirrels were spotted around the nests in the evenings exhibiting strange behavior. This behavior included several squirrels seemingly standing guard outside while the remaining animals gathered in a crowd around a central leader.
At this time, SPS believes this nest is the hub of an underground operation run by a radical portion of Wooster’s squirrel population. Several members of the Grounds Crew scaled a tree to observe the nests and found the word “Woominati” carved into the tree several dozen times, likely by tiny, sharp squirrel paws. An investigation of other campus trees revealed similar carvings. As of press time, extended observation by a squirrel behavior specialist suggests that Woominati is a radical group of squirrel activists.
Woominati likely began after a squirrel was killed in a transformer and caused a campus wide power outage during the fall semester. The squirrels watched and listened as we complained about the lack of internet and spent no time paying respects to the squirrel life that was lost in the tragic incident. This lack of respect has lead to a squirrel revolution. Woominati has been planning their rise quietly, in the shadows of the Oak Grove, where their sharp screeches akin to battle cries can be heard echoing into the night.
As of press time, it is believed that the squirrels are planning some sort of attack on Galpin Hall. An anonymous list of demands has been sent to the office of President Sarah Bolton. This list included more accessible trash cans and dumpsters, as well as access to affordable healthcare and related services.
SPS is investigating Woominati and all rumors of planned attacks on the campus. Meanwhile, officers are working to turn the cameras around, spending several hours a day patrolling Beall Avenue where they, too, have fallen victim to catcalling and things thrown by passing cars.