Benguigui Bernard
a.k.a. the Independent
The College of Loseter Struggling Slobs basketball team (0-69) failed in spectacular fashion, falling 103-2 to the Globo College Purple Cobras on Saturday night. It was an extravagantly embarrassing performance that brought shame and disgrace to the College athletic community for generations to come.
Tin Can Gymnasium was filled to the brim with over 10 students comprising the raucous, standing-room-only crowd. It was the first time all season that attendance had reached double digits.
Globo College dominated the proceedings from the very beginning, starting with tipoff, when Loseter’s Lonnie Lester ’18 tripped over his own shoelaces while attempting to jump for the ball. The Cobras’ William Wood ’21 was able to execute several successful 360 reverse slam dunks during the first half, many of which shattered the backboard and necessitated the construction of a new one midgame. As a result, the first half dragged on for three hours and 27 minutes.
Loseter superstar Leland Lololo ‘18 struggled with perspiration throughout the evening, frequently slipping and sliding in puddles of his own sweat. After shockingly managing to strip the ball from the Cobras’ Walter Walker ‘21, Lololo found himself with an open lane to the basket. However, the four-foot-two, 380-pound center found himself wheezing for breath as he approached the hoop. Finding no Globo player guarding him, Lololo proceeded to put the ball down and take a five-minute break while the clock continued to tick.
Finally, the rotund player picked up the ball and barely managed to eke out a rather pathetic layup before collapsing on the court in a dead heap. Unfortunately for the Slobs, the great Lololo had heaved the rock into his own team’s basket, resulting in an own basket and a 72-0 Cobras lead. Paramedics were required to come scrape his body off the floor and rush him to the hospital, and a floor mopper was summoned from an unknown void to clean up the massive pool of perspiration that had begun to flood the gymnasium.
After hitting the switch to activate the drain that had been installed on the gym floor specifically for Lololo’s incidents, the floor mopper began to take over the show, scrubbing the hardwood paneling with a vigor that will never be matched in the history of humanity. The talented custodian demonstrated true artistry with the instrument, serving as an inspiration to future floor moppers everywhere. All of the students in the double-digit crowd had been struggling to stay awake for most of the game, but they now went absolutely wild, forcing the mopper to come out for an encore after his virtuoso performance was complete.
While the greatness of the transcendent floor mopper easily overshadowed any silly game, the teams played out the remaining minutes nonetheless. The seven-foot-six Globo point guard Wyatt Watkins ’28, a precocious sixth grader playing on the college team, demolished the ankles of Loseter’s Lyllel Lollipop (hopefully ’19), a 42-year-old player who has failed to turn in his I.S. for 20 consecutive years. Watkins attempted to pass to teammate Wade Warren ’21, but accidentally rocketed it off the head of the Slobs’ L.L. Lllllll ’18, causing the ball to soar across the court into the basket and score the only Loseter points of the game at the buzzer.
The crowd’s cheers for the team avoiding the shutout were nothing compared to the ovation given to the iconic floor mopper, who was easily the star performer of the night with 122 brush strokes, four buckets of water used and two gallons of sweat disposed of. Globo College’s players taunted the Loseter team by screaming their catchphrase, “We’re better than you, and we know it!”
Loseter continues its miserable season with a Wednesday night road game at Billy Bob’s Country Day School, which defeated the Slobs 111-3 in their latest matchup. Unfortunately, the floor mopping legend will not be traveling with the team, so really just don’t even bother showing up. This so-called “team” has shown literally zero promise or potential whatsoever this season. On that uplifting note, Roll Slobs!