Michael Hatchett, an A&E
Editor for the Voice, can
According to Merriam-Wesbter.com, a movie is “a recording of moving images that tells a story and that people watch on a screen or television.” Also according to Merriam-Webster.com a sequel is “a book, movie, etc., that continues a story begun in another book, movie, etc.” Here are some movie sequels.
Blade Runner 2 — I love this sequel cause it’s like me: unwanted, unnecessary and most likely a hot mess. I can already visualized some terrible, overused CGI, a flimsy plot filled with references to the first Blade Runner and a tired Harrison Ford trying his best. It sounds like I’m complaining but I’m legitimately excited. I hope Blade Runner 2 obliterates all my love for the first film so that all my memories of it will be lost … like farts in wind.
Star Wars 8 — The Force Awakens was okay. I liked it but didn’t love it. That said, I was entertained and I cared about most of the characters (BB-8 can fuck off for all I care … just kidding, love you BB). But I understand that J.J. “Lens Flare” Abrams had a tall order and he fulfilled it respectably. Now, though, new director Rian Johnson doesn’t have to worry about any of that. He doesn’t have to reintroduce any old characters, satisfy any clinging fanboys or concern himself with the movie’s success. Hopefully he lets loose and centers it entirely around Salacious B. Crumb.
Mad Max 5 — Fury Road was easily one of the best films of 2015 and it literally should not exist, due to the fact that Hollywood let the original creator of a beloved franchise actually have full creative control, the fact that the titular character was a sidekick, the fact that most effects were practical instead of CGI, etc. I’m almost worried about the next film because I loved Fury Road so much. They haven’t announced the name of the next film (some sites say it’s Mad Max: The Wasteland, but Miller says this is just a working title) but I have a few suggestions. They should keep the Fury Road theme going and name the next film something like Anger Drive, Rage Lane or Wrath Boulevard. If not that, then they should just double down and call it Furry Road and make Max/Furiosa team up with people who dress up like animals.
Avatars 2-5 — Oh boy, I’m so excited to find out what happens to my favorite Avatar characters. You know … like … uh … Dirk Strongman? Or the fearless warrior … um … Pocalentil? Yeah. It’s gonna be great.
Paul Blart Mall Cop 3 — I nearly had an earth-shattering orgasm while typing the name of this movie. Paul Blart Mall Cop changed the way we think about movies. Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 changed the way we think about art. What will Paul Blart Mall Cop 3 do? Only God and King of Comedy Kevin James know. In an interview with MTV UK, James said that Paul Blart Mall Cop 3 could be shot anywhere from Australia to space. Can you imagine? Paul Blart in space? Sweet Jesus. My hands are shaking.