Bas Bos
Professor of Law
As of today, The College of Wooster has gone five weeks without anything being set on fire. Over the past 35 days, no car batteries mysteriously combusted, no chemical storage closets filled with smoke, no candles lit drapes ablaze, no posters were found singed in dorm hallways and no burning boxes were left outside buildings.
In celebration of this milestone, the administration is sponsoring a special dinner at Kittredge, featuring salad, chilled cucumber soup, cereal, and nomex tablecloths.
“This is such an important day for the school,” said Chuck Wagers, dining services director. “We wouldn’t want to jinx it by using the ovens.”
Post-meal activities will include fire extinguisher tutorials and a stop-drop-and-roll competition.
“Fire prevention is key to being a global citizen,” explained College President Grant Cornwell, “so I hope every student will be able to attend this meal.”
Cornwell has reportedly considered changing the college’s motto to “Independent Minds, Working Together … to Prevent Fires.”
Not everyone is as enthusiastic about the College’s fireless five weeks.
“Wooster has a proud tradition of burning shit to the ground,” said Andy Oliver ’14, who plans on boycotting the dinner. “I’m disappointed that we’re moving away from our roots.”