Eyeborgs
Airing on SyFy
Following a brief, five-minute conversation at a party on I.S. Monday, senior English major Tyler Goldschmidt reportedly felt he understood the basic gist of chemistry major Michael Hayes’s I.S.
Goldschmidt, who last took chemistry in his junior year of high school where he managed a B-, spent the majority of the conversation repeatedly nodding while saying “yeah.” Hayes explained his examination of side effects of platinum-based antineoplastic drugs, predominantly cisplatin until he realized that Goldschmidt was incapable of understanding anything he was saying. Those at the party reported that Hayes was noticeably annoyed with Goldschmidt’s presence following this revelation and made multiple moves to grab another drink before being blocked from exiting by Goldschmidt’s body. He eventually gave up and sighed into his empty beer while hurrying to end the conversation.
“It’s cool. He’s doing something with like, platinum in chemo drugs. It’s like, really complex stuff. Life changing things. Making the world a better place,” Goldschmidt later said when describing the project to a friend who was only half listening. “It’s like a cure for cancer or something.”
“It’s great stuff that he’s doing, and it’s cool that I got it. Like it’s tricky to understand but I got it. That dude’s great at explaining, like he’s a professor or something.” Goldschmidt reportedly even joked to Hayes that his explanation was so great that he could present for him at symposium. Hayes reportedly grimaced at this thought while Goldschmidt was too oblivious to notice.
According to several eyewitness accounts, Goldschmidt began the conversation when he saw Hayes’s button and began to talk at him about his own project — a Marxist reading of Jack Kerouac’s On the Road and The Dharma Bums. After 10 minutes of explaining the importance of Kerouac’s fictionalized version of himself, Goldschmidt asked Hayes’s what he did his I.S. on, repeatedly saying “That’s cool, man” as Hayes began to explain.
Goldschmidt, who reportedly never introduced himself, ended the conversation by saying he’d be right back with another beer before getting distracted by a girl he once tried to get with.
Eyewitnesses told reporters that Hayes was later seen carrying on a prolonged conversation with a math major who was desperately looking for an escape.