Taylor Ben
Shines Bright Like a Diamond
LOS ANGELES — A source with close ties to the situation, who wishes to remain anonymous, is reporting that Kim Kardashian, Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus recently took breaks from their respective partners with the intent to enter into a relationship with each other and create a new polyamorous perfume brand.
They rationalized this decision by citing the “abysmal quality” of the majority of eligible and interested celebrity males as the reason for their decision. This move comes in the midst of rumors concerning the stability of both Kardashian’s previous relationship with Kanye West and Cyrus’ engagement to Liam Hemsworth. When asked for more details as to why this non-traditional decision was being made, a spokesperson for the three responded with the following:
“Kim, Miley and Taylor are all just three great girls, really great role models, who are just very tired of the way their relationships have been turning out. I mean, just look at Taylor’s string of exes. Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Jonas, and don’t forget that Kennedy boy, Conor. Do you see one person on that list who seems like they’d be a good fit for any of these wonderful women? And don’t even get me started on Kanye. He’s always interrupting. Kim can never finish anything, no matter how many times Kanye promises he’ll let her.”
This marks the latest in a trend of odd celebrity choices which will keep the tabloids baffled for days. Says one reporter for TMZ: “Here I was thinking I’d be covering the same boring types of relationships until I retired, quick fling after quick fling after quick fling. This just totally threw me for a loop. I’d have expected something like this from Kim definitely, but Taylor too? That’s just absolutely shocking to me. This one will be in all the headlines for weeks.”
Cyrus was contacted over the phone, and, when pressed for more details as to why this relationship was being pursued, answered that “we’re all fed up with the transient nature of the typical Hollywood relationship. We find within ourselves the desire for a thing which is not so fleeting, here one moment and gone the next. The ‘flings’ in which we previously engaged have been as fleeting as a ray of light in an Ohio winter. You see them, you experience them, and you find within yourself the hope that it is an auspice of ecstatical harmony. Alas, no such manner of being has yet come to be for the lot of us, though we hope that we will find it here.”
However, Tom Greenwich (of Oldenburg, Indiana garage band “Tommy and Flying Shoes” fame) finds this to be unlikely. When asked why, he simply responded, “Because it is. It always has been and always will be, and these Communists won’t change my mind no matter what they do.” It’s unclear if he understood the subject matter to which he was responding.
As of press time, Taylor Swift was on song seven of 12 for a new album concerning the birth, growth, development and eventual heartrending end of the polygamous arrangement.