Wyatt Smith

Around election time, partisans often threaten to leave the country if the opposing party takes office. If one wanted to make good on this threat, they would face an important question: which country?

Liberals tend to find this question easier to answer than do conservatives. Democrats can throw a dart at a map of Western Europe and be happy with their decision. Republicans, however, may find themselves at a loss. This article is an attempt to aid conservatives disappointed after last week’s election with their travel arrangements by providing three examples of countries that may live up to their political standards.

Switzerland

This may sound like an odd pick, but don’t be too quick to judge this multilingual European socialist state. While the Swiss do have universal health care, they adopted it much later than their neighbors, a delay attributed to the country’s almost American independent streak. Even more notable is Switzerland’s continued refusal to join the European Union.

Not impressed? It gets better. The Swiss are firm supporters of the right to bear arms and it is perfectly legal to openly carry firearms in public. Shooting, both in hunting and at ranges, is very popular in Switzerland, even among children. Furthermore, the Swiss military is composed mostly of militia, all of whom keep their rifles at home, which further boosts the country’s gun quota. Each member of the militia is also given a tri-cornered hat. Okay, I made up that last one, but it’s not everyday you encounter a nation chock-full of honest-to-God minutemen.

Additionally, the Swiss share American conservatives’ Islamophobia, as evidenced by their 2009 ban of future construction of minarets, initiated by a nationwide referendum. In the spirit of America’s “Ground Zero mosque” debate, the Swiss felt that the spread of Islam in their country, as embodied by minarets, would corrode their national identity. There were only four minarets in Switzerland at the time, but any true conservative knows that’s beside the point.

Saudi Arabia

Again, I know this is an unexpected choice. But despite the fear of Islam, which George W. Bush and others have perpetuated, the American Right actually shares a lot with our friends from the Arabia Peninsula.

While Obama chose to make gas more expensive, the Saudi government kept domestic gas prices 25 times below the global price. While whiny liberals were decrying the Patriot Act, the Saudis were unafraid to squash political dissent with indefinite detention and enhanced interrogation techniques. They didn’t even have to bother with that silly extraordinary rendition business.

Saudi Arabia is also a land of strong family values where traditional gender roles are legally mandated. As an added bonus, you’ll get to feel thin; Saudi Arabia has a higher rate of obesity than the U.S. does.

Hong Kong

Don’t buy your plane ticket just yet– I saved the best for last. Home of the world’s most free economy (as rated by a variety of institutions, including the Heritage Foundation), this autonomous region of China is often credited  for the nation’s recent economic success. Where the highest tax rate is 20  percent and the tax code is less than 200 pages. Where unemployment is 3.4 percent. Where the per capita GDP is higher than in the U.S. Where they’re tolerant enough of homosexuals to not overtly discriminate, but not so tolerant as to give them frivolous rights such as the ability to marry or form any other sort of recognized union.

And I haven’t even told you the best part; English is Hong Kong’s official language. Well, English and Cantonese, but still.

Before you get too excited, I should warn you that there’s a caveat or two to this conservative utopia. Hong Kong has restrictive gun laws, their government is described as a “limited democracy” by the CIA and they’re partially ruled by China. But we can all agree that’s a small price to pay to avoid the rapidly approaching Obamacalypse.