Ian Benson
Ball so Hard
After the stunning revelation that humanity is no longer the only form of intelligent life in the universe, President Grant Cornwell pledged to prepare students for taking a larger step in the world and a grander role on the galactic stage.
“Today we stand on the precipice of history. No longer will the term ‘Global Citizens’ be sufficient for the aims of this fine institution. Instead, we must pledge ourselves to become ‘Galactic Citizens’ and take a more active role in humanity’s future in a universe that is no longer exclusively human,” Cornwell said to an audience which included a coalition of our new extraterrestrial friends in front of the Kauke steps earlier today.
“We stand committed to being a compilation of independent minds working together towards a goal of galactic peace. We, as representatives of not just the liberal arts mindset, but now of humanity as a whole, must show the character of man and show that we are deserving the respect of our new allies,” Cornwell added. “Soon we will open our doors to students not just from other countries like India and China and other foreign nations, but to citizens of Dekuuna from the Silean Nebula Cluster or scholars from the planet Csilla. Thus, we must make great strides to Galactic Citizenship in a short span to maintain the respect that The College of Wooster has become synonymous with.”
When asked what exactly Cornwell meant by the term “Galactic Citizen,” he defined it as “a concern for fellow sapient species, universal rights and basic dignity. It’s respect for any and all fellow Galactic Citizens, regardless of their species, language or base amino acids. It aims to give rise to a universal sympathy beyond the mere barriers of our home worlds, instead embracing our shared galaxy.”
With this announcement also came the news that along with the change from the U.S. dollar to the Galactic Credit, there would be another raise in the tuition fee for the 2012-13 academic year. Cornwell stated, “The resources needed to deliver the promise of a Wooster education come from many sources and with our universe expanding, so too must the College. The Board of Trustees has carefully deliberated and weighed the options concerning the College’s comprehensive fee for next year, determining an increase that would be as low as possible, while also securing our position on the new Galactic Stage and still providing the financial support necessary to maintain and strengthen the College’s core academic mission and expanding it to include the new species we will soon call friends. We will also provide a means to accommodate these new students and pursue the best faculty in the galaxy for our distinctive academic programs.” The resulting raise in tuition will increase the comprehensive fee by 6.7 percent, bringing it to 52,700 Credits.
