In the current day and age, it seems no one has it easy. “Man it’s hard to be a Browns fan,” or “man it’s tough running every day.”† What troubling times we find ourselves in, no matter the group we identify with. At least, so I thought until I realized I had forgotten one section of society which has to deal with so much more than I do ó religion. It seems every other week another problem arises within the religious community, or suffers from action which was religiously motivated. And as the surrealist Luis Bunuel put it, “Thank God I’m an atheist.”
It’s almost too easy to be an atheist. To begin, the process for joining the club is probably the simplest induction ceremony ever ó don’t believe. That’s it. No elaborate processes to become a member of any affiliate organization, no head dunking, no chanting. No pilgrimage required. No nightly prayer sessions with the man upstairs, or finding which direction a large black cube potentially thousands of miles away lays and praying in that direction five times a day. And no weekly check-ups either! I get to sleep off a hangover instead of attending a Sunday morning book-club meeting.
And the rules are so lax. The atheist position on several issues: Sex ó yes please. Gays ó welcome aboard! Women ó equal. Food ó whatever, whenever. As long as I continue to believe in a supernatural, cosmic, time-bending, rulemaking thing, I keep my membership.
So what sorts of ideals do atheists endorse? Well, it’s easier to point out what they don’t have to defend. I don’t have to worry about all the friends I have who will eventually burn in hell eternally for not agreeing with me. I don’t have to worry about my leaders molesting defenseless children, covering it up and allowing them to live free of any legal punishments. I don’t have to constantly decide what parts of an ancient book ó my group has decided not to pay attention to anymore, and still persuade others to follow it. I don’t have to make death-threats against a cartoonist for drawing my prophet. I don’t have to listen to my leaders claim a god caused the Haitian earthquake or Hurricane Katrina as punishment. I don’t have to share membership with bigoted homophobes like Fred Phelps. As Stephen Colbert clarifies, “Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.”
Plus, we have a pretty cool legacy roster. Granted, there are countless believers in history who were no doubt awesome. But just to give club atheists some credibility, our members are the likes of Gene Roddenberry (Star Trek), Douglas Adams (The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy), Brad Pitt (sexy man), Bruce Lee, Stephen Fry, Arthur Miller and Ernest Hemingway. Plus atheist comics have field days on stage (George Carlin, Ricky Gervais). It would be foolish to identify with a group simply because of other people who are in it, but I bet those guys throw wild parties.
In short, I’m merely pointing out how worry-free atheism truly is. Many people claim to find comfort with religion ó I’m a lazy dude and atheism is as comfy as those new Lowry chairs. All I really have to deal with is the occasional person claiming I have no morals, I’m going to hell or I eat babies. A family friend did once claim atheists were trying to get rid of Spring Break, so it’s great having intelligent conversations with that crowd. So if you’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed, you can always pray or read a holy text. Or, you can relax under the assumption that there probably is no God, and maybe people wouldn’t crash planes into tall buildings if they thought so too. I’ll end with the great Isaac Asimov, author and atheist. “So the universe is not quite as you thought it was. You’d better rearrange your beliefs, then. Because you certainly can’t rearrange the universe.”
John McGovern is a regular contributor to the Voice. He can be reached for comment at JMcGovern12@wooster.edu