To combat the anticipated housing crisis that the College will be experiencing this upcoming fall, proposals have been made to create a new program house.† The program house, modeled after those already existing for first years ñ Miller Manor and Westminster Cottageñ would combine the student living experience with local outreach.† Students of the program would be living in a combined space with residents of the Wooster community ó affectionately known as ìWooster Wild.”
In an effort to bridge the gap between the College and the community, the program house will be taking on disadvantaged residents, many of whom have dealt with issues such as chronic unemployment, drug use or jail time.† It will be the studentís job to help their disadvantaged roommate overcome his or her strife.† The interactions will be recorded on film and will air next season on E!, replacing the currently airing show, ìPretty Wild.”† ìWeíre just thrilled about the prospect of helping the community” President Cornwell commented.
When asked if he would be contributing at all to the project the president replied, ìIf Greeks are somehow involved than probably not, but otherwise, yes.” Despite the presidentís approval not all members of the college community are on board.† Carson Pierce í10 commented, ìI wouldnít want to live with a bunch of townies, whoís to say they wouldnít steal things from me or even try to hurt me.”
Luckily, Res Life and the president have worked out a plan.† As it was anticipated that problems such as these would arise, the president has offered to pay out of pocket to cover any negative externalities that the program may experience.† He is also donating the funds to attach slides to the programís bunk beds to encourage its participants to get up in the morning.† ìIt was the least I could do,” the president expressed.
To increase participation in the program Res. Life is refraining from informing students of their possible placement in the program until the decision has already been made.† Director of Residence Life Christie Kracker commented, ìWe feel all students are equipped to deal with the responsibilities that this program house encompasses, and who wouldnít want to be on TV?”† Kracker will also be making guest appearances on the show in addition to Dr. Drew and Nicole Williams, the life coach of the TLC program, ìReal Simple. Real Life.”
As a spokesperson for the community, Mayor Bob Breneman commented, ìI think this is fantastic. It will keep people off the streets and on the College campus.† Bridging the gap between the College and the city is important and helping people overcome personal battles is an even bigger concern.”
This story was run as part of The Wooster Vice, an annual April Fools publication.† It is a work of satire.