Welcome to Super Bowl weekend. In my world, it is the one night a year when most of my friends feign interest in professional football. Perhaps you too, are a casual viewer feeling suddenly compelled to watch this particular sporting event, enchanted by either the game’s cultural significance or fattening tailgate food. Maybe the approach of the big day is generating a little bit of panic if you have not been paying attention to the NFL for the past four months.
To help ease your anxieties, I offer here the answers to some frequently asked questions so that all you non-sports fans may enjoy Super Bowl Sunday without distracting the rest of us with your ignorance.
Who is playing?
The San Francisco 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens. The 49ers are the ones with the gold helmets, and the Ravens are wearing purple.
Where is the game happening?
New Orleans, a city that “knows how to throw a party,” according to every commentator ever.
Why do I keep hearing the term “Harbowl?”
It’s a clever pun based on the fact that the teams’ head coaches are brothers and share the last name Harbaugh. For the first time in history, we get to watch siblings duke it out on the biggest stage in football…by ordering a group of other men to run around the field for their honor.
Why is Ray Lewis crying?
Super Bowl XLVII is the last game he will ever play. After spending his seventeen-year career with the Ravens, the 37-year-old announced his retirement at the end of the season. He will go down in history as one of the best linebackers in the game. He is allowed to be sentimental.
What is Kaepernicking?
Do you remember Tebowing? It’s like that, except it is performed by an actually talented quarterback. In this version, Colin Kaepernick kisses his biceps after making a play. Try it to illustrate all your sporting knowledge for your friends!
Who are the musical performers?
Alicia Keys will sing the national anthem, and Beyonce is performing at the half time show. They will probably both lip-sync, and that is okay.
I’m more of a cinephile. Are there any Oscar nominated films I can reference during the game?
Sure. Michael Oher is the starting right tackle for the Ravens. You know about him from The Blind Side.
Who will be the most attractive player on the field?
I’m glad you asked. It’s Ravens tight end Dennis Pitta.
How do sports fans feel about people who watch just for the commercials?
We will tolerate you for the fact that you are enthusiastic about any aspect of the Super Bowl, but keep in mind that that DOES NOT permit you to talk during play action.
Who is going to win?
As evenly matched as these two teams are when it comes to the running game and defensive units, expect the team who can make the huge plays to come out on top. I predict the Ravens.
What, precisely, makes the Super Bowl so super? Will there ever be a Mega Bowl?
We’re done here.