After suffering for three long years, I have finally decided to launch a formal complaint to the mail gods of Lowry. I am a five-foot eight and three-quarters inch tall female. I do not consider myself a giant by any means, but I am significantly taller than the average American female (at least that’s what some rando told me once). Why, oh, why was I assigned to a mailbox that is located on the lowest shelf? I have pleaded, nay, begged with friends to check my mail for me. Moreover, I have attempted to seduce strangers to check my mail countless times with the false promise of reward, thereby jeopardizing my name as an honest individual. All of this I have done for the sake of my weak knees and ankles. What truly rattles my cage is the fact that I have repeatedly spotted short humans having to struggle to reach their top-shelf mailboxes. I do not stake out and wait to report on such instances; they happen merely by chance, which makes this all the worse! How many Wooster students must suffer before the flaws of the mailbox system are put to light?
I propose a new system that bases the owner’s mailbox location on his or her height. Upon entering The College of Wooster, each student is required to take a photo for his or her COW Card (the exception being those of you out there who sent in glam photos before you realized your mistake… we know who you are). During this process, students either sit on a stool or stand up against a wall. I suggest that during this marvelous photo op, students have their height measured. For those of you who are insecure about your height, worry not — the results of the brief, albeit mystical, experience will not be revealed to the general public. If implemented, I believe this system could alter the negative experience many patrons have when checking their mail. The defeat of not receiving a heavily anticipated package or a weekly letter from Aunt Sandy will appear miniscule if the process of checking mail becomes less physically tiresome. Therefore, College of Wooster students, stand by me as we link arm-in-arm, hand-in-hand and participate in a march toward the Lowry mailroom. Ride with me and protest the insufferable ways of the bourgeois mail elite!