Now that the crusade to legalize weed has become the mainstay of intolerable conversations with intolerable people at every party ever, I think our demographic really needs to reconsider this issue.
Of all the pressing social crises gripping our nation, the most loudly vocalized political passion of our generation is based on the desire of dumb kids in tye-dye fighting for their right to eat an entire bag of Captain Crunch. Greatest generation? Not quite.
In fact, the real problem with marijuana enforcement in this country is that it does not go far enough among people who will generally think weed is “cool.”
Of course the unending chorus of Frisbee-playing liberal arts kids will always whine, “yeah dude but like no one has ever died from a weed overdose.” Well yeah, no one has ever died of a tobacco overdose either. It’s B.S. to put tobacco’s massive death toll next to cannabis’ saintly zero, since it doesn’t include the lung damage that comes from 20 years of smokin’ doobs and listening to Cypress Hill (or something), which is really just as damaging as big brother tobacco.
And yeah, alcohol is legal, which is a more dangerous drug and ruins more lives, et cetera. However, alcohol can and often is consumed below the point of intoxication. Any person of taste can enjoy a delicious Dogfish Head 90-Minute IPA (on the rocks, of course) without having to reschedule their afternoon around a “Fangface” marathon on Boomerang, barring some intolerable weed nerd living off welfare in Amsterdam who has a blacklight and really does admire Purple Haze for its soothing bouquet.
But of course since the hippies took power, every musician that has ever mattered has been, by definition, a pothead. Well, the really good musicians have also been heroin addicts, but that’s beside the point.
The truth is without marijuana western culture would be exactly where it is. For example, the legendary super-trippy reggae producer Scratch Perry famously stopped smoking weed to see if “it was the weed or the Scratch” that was creating the music. Guess what? It wasn’t a magical Ghostbusters-style ectoplasm of ganja smoke that mastered those albums, pushing the console knobs up and down with his little smoke flipper.
Some of the greatest artistic progress in rock music has come from straight edge hardcore and post-hardcore bands who religiously refrain from drugs. Ian MacKaye of Fugazi and Minor Threat would not have created a musical revolution if he had been a mellow burnout (although he may have been more tolerable to go to parties with).
Besides, watching people who are really into weed is just pathetic. For one thing, bong rips are terrifying. Ever seen someone puke from a bong rip? I have, and it was one of the most distressing things I have ever experienced. Like some Lifetime-TV-movie-level emotional distress. There is nothing lamer than people talking about their weed as if it is some crazy gift from god. No it does not taste like blueberry, no it is not significantly better than the shit you had last week. Get over yourself. Nerds are annoying, and honestly weed is not that cool of a topic to be nerdy about. Weed is weed and shut the hell up.