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ResLife offers New reduced Rate option of hammocks

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In a move that students have called “innovative,” “quirky” and “horribly short-sighted how can they be this fucking stupid,” the Office of Residence Life has been testing a new, budget housing option for the Class of 2022. Students may choose a “chill” housing option that would take a whopping 20 percent off the usual cost of room and board. Students wouldn’t be given a room in a residence hall, but instead, a hammock.

In a statement released this weekend, Nathan Fein, the director of Res Life wrote, “We believe this will not only save space in our residence halls but also provide students an alternative housing option for those looking to relax in their spare time.” Fein went on to cite the culture of “quad chilling,” a practice known for leisure reading, playing frisbee and first-years awkwardly hitting on each other.

Early reviews of the program have been mixed; Tyler Mayor ’19 spoke about the pros and cons of the program from his home, currently hung between two trees on the Oak Grove. “At first it was great; you would wake up and like, immediately begin throwin’ around the flat ball with the boys, but then, like, December hit and the weather really started harshing my vibes, man.” Mayor continued, “I’ve almost lost a few digits on my throwing hand because of the hypothermia and everything, but is it worth it to hang with your best buds 24/7? I think it is.”

Some students have been surprisingly unaffected by this change. Bernard Fairlawn ’20 said the new program really hasn’t changed much about his lifestyle. “Yeah it’s small but like, my girlfriend and I had been co-sleeping in one of the twin beds the school provided for a while now, and the hammock is essentially the same amount of space.” Casually swinging on the academic quad he remarked, “It’s pretty much impossible to get any work done in the ‘mock, but who really does work in their room anyways?”

Judging by the numbers, the new housing program has already had an impact on the campus with 65 percent of students reporting they’ve seen an increase in “big chilling” since its inception. In addition, many students have enjoyed having more housing options. When asked about the option to live outside for a year, Amelia Hajedern ’18 said, “My only other option was to live in Bissman, so this is definitely an upgrade.”

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