Categorized | Arts & Entertainment

Ebert Art Center redesigned and renamed, simply, “Bert”

Jolly St. Nick
AWOL F&B Editor

In commemoration of the minimalist art movement of the 1960s, the Ebert Art Center has been renamed to simply Bert. “Wooster is a place of syllabic excess,” claimed Kitty Zurko, Bert’s curator. “Take ‘Severance Hall,’ or ‘Longbrake Student Wellness Center’ — these names taste of frivolous gunk. My mouth is tired just repeating them now,” Zurko said.

Following the example of Robert Rauschenberg’s “White Painting” and minimalist sculptor Donald Judd’s oeuvre, the art center, along with its new name, has been torn down and replaced with a gigantic, ominous white cube. The featureless structure has already caused quite a stir on campus.

“At first I was excited about the new name,” said Aubrey Dukes ’21. “But I thought it would have a few pictures of the muppet Bert inside that I could check out or something. I don’t think the place even has any doors. It scares me.”

Other students echoed their concerns. “Bert haunts my fucking dreams,” Derrick Moon ’18 said. “One night my house became a cube. My whole neighborhood was just rows and rows of white cubes. My dog was a cube. Instead of barking she just yelped ‘Bert’ and wouldn’t stop. Even when I’m awake I see cubes everywhere. I accidentally called my boyfriend ‘Bert’ and we broke up.”

Not every member of the College has responded negatively to the new presence. Students living on the south side of Armington and Douglass Hall have been seen staring out their windows every night, whispering poetry across the Res Quad towards Bert. In his admiration, Dr. Jeff Alesci has even condemned the other buildings on campus. “All these windows and brick disgust me. They are an assault on my eyes!” he was heard shouting at the Lowry Center. “Only Bert is beautiful. I love only Bert.” He made no comment on the continuous sine tone and occasional scream of agony that emanate from Bert every seven minutes.

Zurko expressed her curatorial duties have loosened with the new building. “I’ve actually only had to host one CWAM event since the opening,” she said. The event, an opening reception and ‘gallery talk’ for an unnamed and unseen exhibit, consisted of Zurko gesturing silently towards Bert. There were, of course, cheddar cheese cube hors d’oeuvres served beforehand, which tasted like air.

Since Bert’s arrival, all studio art majors have been reported missing. Close friends of these students report hearing their voices in the wind or behind walls, always in the direction of Bert. Instagram handles associated with art majors all now end in “.bert” and the accounts only post blank white squares.

Given Bert’s successes in Wooster, campus architects have plans to rename the Timken Science Library Tim and replace it with a man who has memorized all the books.

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