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News: 4/1/13

90s  major to be offered fall of 2013

Capitalizing off the recent nostalgia trend that has dominated popular culture, the College next year will begin offering a 90s based major.

With special focus on such items as Lisa Frank stickers and sitcoms such as “Friends” and “Saved by the Bell,” the College hopes the new major will attract numerous students.

Majors will spend time reading Buzzfeed’s Rewind section for class while also tracing the origins of the “You weren’t a 90s kid unless you (blank)” meme.

Instead of textbooks, moon boots and jelly pens will be mandatory supplies.

No announcement about faculty has been made, though Jonathan Taylor Thomas is reportedly interested.

Carnival Cruise Lines to begin making airplanes

Due to a recent upswing in media attention, Carnival Cruise Lines has declared that they will be expanding their fleet while the time is hot. Instead of adding new ships, however, the company has decided to enter the air travel business — with flair. The planes will be fitted with all the amenities the current ships offer; they will even be designed by the same engineers.

Instead of flying to the Bahamas, Carnival will offer round-trip flights with a brief five-hour stop at the destination. The flight will include an all-you-can-eat buffet, a waterslide, a full casino and zero working toliets, all accessible only when the seatbelt sign is off. Carnival expects the new fleet to be ready by holiday 2014.

Old pope totally jealous of all the attention new pope is getting


Reports from the Vatican indicate that former Pope Bendict XVI, now current Pope Emeritus, is getting really jealous of the media attention that new Pope Francis is receiving.

“He’s been pope for like, two weeks,” the former Pope said. “I was pope for like seven years and now they have forgotten about me.”

The former Pope has been seen sadly warndering around the Vatican, seeming lonely. He has also reportedly been telling anyone who will listen about how he and God were once BFFs.

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