Categorized | Features

Mom’s new sandwich excites drunkards

Type II, the new sandwich, includes every fatty favorite food on the menu.

Tarvis Eatmoreman

Paradigm Eater

Hey, lard-ass! If you’re reading this while drooling over your fourth rib sandwich at lunch, you might be excited about this announcement from Campus Dining. Director of Dining Services Chuck Wagers revealed on Tuesday that Mom’s will be introducing a new sandwich this weekend for those students who are fat pieces of shit with too many flex dollars and not enough self-esteem.

The sandwich, called the Type II, has all of your favorite ingredients from the Big Gigantic and then some. It starts with a chicken patty, mozzarella sticks, an onion ring and three types of cheese. Three pierogies will rest on top of the cheese sticks.

Are you sweating yet? Well, put some towels under your man-tits, because it gets better. Those wizards of weight gain at Mom’s have managed to insert their spicy steak bite nachos into the sandwich as well. Smoosh all of that in between two heaping slices of Texas toast, then top it with a deep-fried brownie bite and you have a meal that will make Longbrake Student Wellness Center the most happening place on campus.

“This isn’t just a sandwich,” Wagers said. “This is an event.”

“Each table will have its own mayonnaise pump and Mom’s will provide packs of Keystone as well,” Wagers added.

The Type II will come with a side of butter. But let’s face it, you’re gonna use the whole thing, because you are a disgrace. It will cost 15 flex dollars, so start saving up now, because we all know there’s going to be a rough weekend where you consume five, sitting alone in the corner booth while you cry. Cry into the sandwich. It’s your only friend. It’s the only one that understands.

“We’re really thinking about the students with this new menu item,” said Wagers.

Jillian Michaels will get word of this sandwich and retire. Michelle Obama will push for a bill banning this kind of food horror from the plates of Americans. But it won’t be enough, because the obesity epidemic is unstoppable, and you’re the reason why. You are a cross between Douglas MacArthur and George S. Patton in the war on health.

While the Big Gigantic is often viewed as a “communal sandwich” to be shared among friends, the Type II will be best served to the lonely. The Type II will always be order number 001, the loneliest number.

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