Oh, hello! Isn’t it a beautiful day outside? Oh no, you caught me at a perfect time, my squirrel friends will help me mend this gown later. Aah Awaaah! Good day to you all. Now, yes, my retraction.
Once upon a time, as many of you may recall, I wrote a (not so) enchanting article deriding the merit of Disney Princesses. The simple fact of the matter is that ever since then, I have felt a pain in my petite stomach not unlike what the lay call ‘irregularity’, but what those in my community call fanciful bowel enchantment, sung in the key of Truth. And while I risk besmirching my chances at finding true, instantaneous love, I must reclaim my fidelity. I, Daniel Grantham, am not a disenchanted college senior, nor am I a male. My true identity, one I must now face (under threat of lawsuit from my parent company), is that of the Enchanted™ Disney Princess™ named Devalyn.
Born, as all in my magical sisterhood are, with the wave of a wand, the help of some Disney Magic and the opening of a book, I began life at age 14 with beautiful hair and a figure far beyond my years. Though I can not recall the moment when I was left orphaned, it is said that my parents, the King and Queen of Good Taste, were taken from our home in the Valley of Purity, Rainbows and Waterlilies after they refused to abide by the no-singing decree established by a not-so-enchanted military junta from a rival kingdom.
In the ensuing and disenchanting power vacuum, my parents were cast into the Forest of Gloom and Political Internment, leaving me in the care of my aunt, a wicked and venomous Queen named Michelle of Eisner and her vain and ugly daughters Igera, Miramaxia and Espnsia.
As I toiled each day mending their dresses and beating their rugs, I longed for magical justice, a gown and a college degree in the liberal arts. Queen Michelle, Igera, Miramaxia and Espnsia did all they could to prevent my fanciful fate, destroying what remained of my true identity.
When I grew into a finer and more beautiful woman, Queen Michelle’s jealousy grew more ferocious, and one night after I had gone to sleep, she cast a spell and disguised me as a rosaceaed man. That next morning, I fled the Valley and fell into your world via a magical weather event, landing here in the land of Ohio. Aware of my true identity’s implications, I sought to publicly distance myself from a world I thought those here would think untrue. But now I see that very few of you believe the lies and respect the magical truth.
As we all know, Everything in the world is made of rainbows and sing-songs. The Higgs Boson? That’s just glitter. Those like the evil Queen Michelle and King Cornwell who refuse to honor these truths should be cast into the Disney Vault, and not for a limited time only. Having met so many of you who refuse to accept their truths, I am glad to say that I now accept mine and yours. So join me, Princess Devalyn, in fighting those who say magic isn’t real. It is, and we are all princesses. Now, get out there and sing your heart out to a squirrel or rabbit!
P. Devalyn is a fair maiden and orphan who enjoys cooking, cleaning. singing and reading the Wall St. Journal. She can be reached via messenger squirrel or serenade.