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Marijuana: Not really that cool

Daniel Hanson

Now that the crusade to legalize weed has become the mainstay of intolerable conversations with intolerable people at every party ever, I think our demographic really needs to reconsider this issue.

Of all the pressing social crises gripping our nation, the most loudly vocalized political passion of our generation is based on the desire of dumb kids in tye-dye fighting for their right to eat an entire bag of Captain Crunch. Greatest generation? Not quite.

In fact, the real problem with marijuana enforcement in this country is that it does not go far enough among people who will generally think weed is “cool.”

Of course the unending chorus of Frisbee-playing liberal arts kids will always whine, “yeah dude but like no one has ever died from a weed overdose.” Well yeah, no one has ever died of a tobacco overdose either. It’s B.S. to put tobacco’s massive death toll next to cannabis’ saintly zero, since it doesn’t include the lung damage that comes from 20 years of smokin’ doobs and listening to Cypress Hill (or something), which is really just as damaging as big brother tobacco.

And yeah, alcohol is legal, which is a more dangerous drug and ruins more lives, et cetera. However, alcohol can and often is consumed below the point of intoxication. Any person of taste can enjoy a delicious Dogfish Head 90-Minute IPA (on the rocks, of course) without having to reschedule their afternoon around a “Fangface” marathon on Boomerang, barring some intolerable weed nerd living off welfare in Amsterdam who has a blacklight and really does admire Purple Haze for its soothing bouquet.

But of course since the hippies took power, every musician that has ever mattered has been, by definition, a pothead. Well, the really good musicians have also been heroin addicts, but that’s beside the point.

The truth is without marijuana western culture would be exactly where it is. For example, the legendary super-trippy reggae producer Scratch Perry famously stopped smoking weed to see if “it was the weed or the Scratch” that was creating the music. Guess what? It wasn’t a magical Ghostbusters-style ectoplasm of ganja smoke that mastered those albums, pushing the console knobs up and down with his little smoke flipper.

Some of the greatest artistic progress in rock music has come from straight edge hardcore and post-hardcore bands who religiously refrain from drugs. Ian MacKaye of Fugazi and Minor Threat would not have created a musical revolution if he had been a mellow burnout (although he may have been more tolerable to go to parties with).

Besides, watching people who are really into weed is just pathetic. For one thing, bong rips are terrifying. Ever seen someone puke from a bong rip? I have, and it was one of the most distressing things I have ever experienced. Like some Lifetime-TV-movie-level emotional distress. There is nothing lamer than people talking about their weed as if it is some crazy gift from god. No it does not taste like blueberry, no it is not significantly better than the shit you had last week. Get over yourself. Nerds are annoying, and honestly weed is not that cool of a topic to be nerdy about. Weed is weed and shut the hell up.


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3 Responses to “Marijuana: Not really that cool”

  1. Jefry says:

    It’s not about marijuana. It’s not about alcohol or heroin. It’s not about hippies or music or counterculture or any of that bullshit. It’s about having sovereignty over one’s own body and property. It’s about power and it’s about control. A million anecdotes, strawmen, and false dichotomies won’t change that.

  2. TPain says:

    to Jim Stamm:

    Dan Hanson likes to write so he can see his name in print. He is one of the last people in Ohio, maybe the country, who would seriously advocate against marijuana.

    Most likely, The Voice needed someone to fill in space and voila, a vapid, derivative work by Hanson fills that void.

  3. Jim Stamm says:

    Typical of the intolerably exaggerated BS rhetoric of stupid dopists.
    FYI Dopist are like racists whose ire is directed at “stoners”.

    I am in my 60’s and not some dumb kid in a tie dyed shirt.

    Our founding fathers used and valued hemp. Washington and Jefferson grew it on their plantations. The first several drafts of the US Constitution and much of our first monetary notes were done on hemp paper. It was legal tender and one could pay taxes with it until the early 1820s. Like the url says there is no real link to lung damage from using weed.

    There is no legitimate reason for cannabis to be illegal.

    It is clearly an unpopular and harmful prohibition which has caused many of our societies problems and is the biggest threat to our society. Prohibition causes much more damage to society then actual pot usage does.

    Portugal decriminalized drug use ten years ago and they have virtually none of the criminal violence that plagues America. I have a cousin who is stationed there in the service. He says there is very little crime and violence compared to the US.

    Prohibition is at the root of our out of control economy. Since the beginning of Reagons war on drugs this country has spent nearly 3 trillion dollars on the failed war on drugs. Even the UN Commission On Drugs says the war on drugs does more harm than good. Did you know that it is estimatd that 40 biliion dollars per year goes into the black market underground economy just buying drugs alone.

    Prohibition creates an environment conducive to criminality. Our prisons and legal systems are filled with nonviolent drug offenders, most of them potheads.

    Prohibition causes violence and the formation of gangs etc.. In Mexico it is estimated that over 25,000 people will die this year because of violence caused by prohibition creating a black market in the US for the drug cartels to exploit.

    Pot Prohibition was the fantasy of a desperate out of work alcohol prohibitionist named Harry Anslinger. He was a power crazed, greedy, sleazeball and extremely racist. He lucked out when he married into $$$ and power by hooking up with the niece of the Andrew Mellon, the Secretary of the Treasury. Anslinger pandered to monopolistic business interests. He told blatant lies to congress and used devious tactics to make pot prohibition happen. One of the most obvious is the introduction of “marijuana” as a term for cannabis. Prior to his smear campaign most people knew it as hemp, cannabis or reefer. It was listed in the US pharmacopeia and medical texts as hemp or cannabis. Marijuana was a Mexican slang term used only in the deep southwest along the border. When the congress looked for info on “marijuana” they found nothing but his smear campaign with ists racist propaganda because it was listed as hemp or cannabis in most literature and medical journals. Anslinger kept the names hemp and cannabis from congress. Anslinger went into the national libraries and archives, removed & destroyed all literature regarding hemp or cannabis. Anslinger frequently took horror stories from the use of Jimson weed a.k.a. loco weed and applied them to hemp users. Anslinger’s campaign was financed by people and businesses that wanted to eliminate competition from hemp, the Rockefellers and the fossil fuel industry, Duponts and the synthetic fiber/chemical industry, the Hearsts and the paper pulp and wood industry and even the cotton & automotive industries. Did you know that in the 1930’s Henry Ford developed a car based on hemp fiber for the interiors, hemp plastics for the panels, body & miscellaneous parts and hemp fuel? Did you know hemp fuel is much more bio-friendly, cheaper and renewable then fossil fuels.

    Those are just some of the unethical things Anslinger did. If he tried today the things he did then, he would be in jail for fraud, corruption and racial hate crimes. Anybody who supports this sleazeballs crap is as sleazy as he was.

    I wonder if this disrespectful creep, Daniel Hanson cares anything about respecting the rights of ALL people or does he just care about his own ignorant fantasies.


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